tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44636921282671084142024-03-13T21:37:57.824-07:00Held Back By My Spanx<br>
<i>Because Muffin Tops Aren't In</i>Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-12517836217884511752014-09-23T00:59:00.001-07:002014-09-23T01:05:11.635-07:00MaMaMaMaMaSooooo.... I had a baby.<br />
Kinda obvious, eh? Also extremely typical that it would take me <b>7 months</b> to write about it.<br />
<br />
It = <i><b>Her.</b></i><br />
<br />
Yup. Her. Like fate laughing in my face. I have videos of her doing super kung fu moves in my stomach while I exclaim about how <i>he</i><b> </b>is beating the living shit out of my ribs. Gawd, you should've seen the 'I told you so' grin on Mr. Right's face when he failed to find a pair of balls on his icky, slimy red daughter.<br />
<i><b> </b></i><br />
<i><b>Remember it, honey. It's the first and only time I'll ever be wrong.</b></i><br />
<br />
Hannah Grace was born on February 13, 2014 at 11:09 pm. Yup, I kept her from being a Hallmark Card Birthday baby by a whopping 51 minutes! My first Big Parenting Success!!! I'd love to sit and tell the whole painful birth story, but frankly it would probably take me hours and it's 12:30 am and I'm tired and I have a pile of laundry to fold before I hit the sack.<br />
<br />
So, without further ado, here's the short and sweet version of the birth of Hannah Grace:<br />
<br />
Monday: Weekly growth scan. Baby's gone off her growth curve significantly. Major panic ensues, seeing as I'd had <a href="http://spanxster.blogspot.ca/2014/01/36-weeks-i-can-reach-my-vag-seriously.html" target="_blank">the evil baby-killing flu from hell</a> just a few weeks before. My induction is scheduled.<br />
<br />
Wednesday (crack-of-WTF-early-am): Get the call from the hospital. Call Mr. Right at work, who rushes home and drives us in, where some gel is shoved up my hoo-haw to get things going. I'm not dilated at all and barely a fingertip effaced.<br />
<br />
I walk. And walk. And walk some more. More gel. Our Doula comes in. The on-call Dr. decides to break my water (boy oh boy, the things I know now that I wish I'd known then!!!), clock starts ticking. Did I mention I'm GBS positive? Contractions of EPIC proportion, helped only by either walkingwalkingwalking or bouncing on the ball. Walk, bounce, walk, bounce. I face off with an Endo and 3 Perinatologists after informing the nurse that I will not be removing my Insulin Pump, thank you very much. Sign their 'We Are Not Responsible' form. (Definitely more detail for later, here) I'm only dilated 3 cm, so the synthetic oxytocin is fed into my veins. Finally moved to the delivery room, where they expect me to sit on a bed so they can attach a fetal monitor. Dudes, BACK LABOUR. <i>{OK, back labour is worse than any labour, EVER. If you've had it, you'll know. If not, you have no idea}</i> She's flipped back to back and my only relief is this wonderful hip pressing thing my Doula does, and WALKING. I'm determined to go drug-free. I'm doing a pretty good job of it too, so long as the freaking medical staff will just Stop Trying To Get Me To Lay Down!<br />
<br />
Then, they start double-dosing the synthetic oxytocin. So now not only do I have back labour, I've got continuous contractions. As in, 30 second contraction, 10 second break.<br />
<br />
This is probably the only time in my life that I can actually distinctly remember the exact feeling of pain. While my wisdom teeth being pulled under local freezing was terrible, I just remember that it hurt. Back labour with huge amounts of synthetic oxytocin... I remember exactly how it felt. OUCH. FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING OWWWWIEEEEEEE!!!<br />
<i>{I never yelled once. Never screamed. According to my Doula, I did, however, mutter the f-bomb repeatedly. I was pretty ashamed when she told me that}</i><br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the contractions were so intense that they started to affect baby, badly. I remember having 6 nurses in my room at one point, all of them - and even my beloved Doula - urging me to take something for the pain. ANYTHING. After I said no, somebody brought in my OB, a wonderful lady who I trust implicitly. She laid it on the table for me - get an epidural, or be prepared to be taken for an emergency c-section. She tells me unequivocally that the only c-sections she ever does are Absolutely Necessary. <br />
<br />
I hadn't slept in almost 24 hours. I was harming my baby by being so damn stubborn. I was risking having my chance for a vaginal birth - hell, by that point I still hadn't even dilated enough to start pushing! So I gave in.<br />
<br />
Epidurals suck. I mean, yeah it was awesome not to have the awful pain, but my body doesn't react right to drugs. I could feel and move my legs (wrong), but I couldn't feel a single contraction, not even a slight bit of pressure. Oh, and when you're having off-the-charts contractions continuously with only 10 second breaks... it takes WAY longer than ten seconds to get an epidural and you have to hold still the whole time. Thank gawd for my Doula, that's all I have to say.<br />
<br />
Anyway, at some point we slipped into Thursday. I finally slept, for 2.5 hours. When I woke up, my awesome OB (who was actually in lieu of my normal OB, who was on holidays, which was fine with me because I ADORE Dr. T!!) decided it was time to try and turn baby. Now, Dr. T is a little Asian lady who doesn't have a practice here in Canada - instead, she fills in for my regular OB and travels overseas to help with obstetrics in third world countries. So she knows all the old-school tricks that OB's nowadays aren't taught. Like making me lay on my side for an hour with my left leg up on one of those bed trays that hospitals have. After which, Dr. T reached up into me and, using one hand under my breasts, turned the baby around so that she was in the proper birthing position. Super cool. Oh, and I felt that. I wasn't supposed to lol.<br />
<br />
Fast forward and I've finally dilated to 7 cm... and I'm on the max dose of sythetic oxytocin and going nowhere. Baby is still doing the boot-and-scoot-boogy in my stomach, kicking and punching and generally having nothing to do with her eviction notice. They hook these electrodes into baby's head so they can better monitor her. Dr. T decides it's time to give it the old college try; she tells me that often, the simple labour process itself can help with the last stages of dilation. So, I start to push. And I push. I'm hacking and coughing the whole time - I'm not allowed to have any water because of the high chances of a c-section, but Mr. Right and my beloved Doula slip me ice chips on the side.<br />
<br />
Oh, and I'm vomiting. I think I forgot to mention that - not only did I vomit through my entire pregnancy, but I continued to vomit all the way through labour. Push, puke, push, puke, push, puke. I continued to joke with the medical staff the whole time, though I can't for the life of me remember what I was saying that had them laughing so hard. When I remember it now, it's like watching myself from behind a fogged mirror; hazy but recognizable. I remember it all, but almost as though I was outside of my own body, a separate observer. I think it was those damn drugs.<br />
<br />
On it goes: push, puke, push, puke. For 3.5 hours I try my hardest to push this kid out. Dr. T tells me that there's no physical reason for baby not to come vaginally. Hell, I was pushing so hard and so well that I blew the damn catheter right out! I'm doing everything right, we're all just waiting for baby to finally make her appearance...<br />
<br />
And then I spike a Really. Bad. Fever. The talk turns to infection. I keep on pushing, willing baby to please just come out already... and then her heart rate drops <b>badly</b>. Everyone's looking at the monitor connected to those wires running into my va-jayjay, watching as with every contraction baby's distress gets worse and worse. My fever goes even higher. Dr. T looks at me with sympathy and says, "Tiffany, it's time."<br />
<br />
Then everything gets foggy. I'm wheeled into the OR without Mr. Right, sheets are draped, I take out my continous glucose monitor, remove my engagement ring, and wait. The first cut is made without my fiance, and it HURTS. <br />
<br />
"I can feel that and it HURTS," I say urgently to the Anesthesiologist.<br />
"You can feel that or it hurts?" is his response. ARG.<br />
"IT HURTS!"<br />
<br />
He looks at me over his mask, bafflement in his eyes. What can I say, drugs and I don't mix. "Please hurry," I tell him. I can hear him muttering to himself, wondering what he can give me. He finally depresses a plunger on a needle, telling me the name of some narcotic that I forget now. Eventually I stop feeling Dr. T cutting open my stomach, and they let Mr. Right in. First thing he does: checks my blood sugar. Gawd I love that man.<br />
<br />
I don't know how much time passed - when I asked to watch them pull my baby out, they told me they couldn't let the sheet down or the sterility would be compromised. So my first glimpse of her, after Mr. Right's shit eating grin when he told me "IT'S A GIRL!", was this long, scrawny red creature, all legs and arms and putting me in mind of a spider. They walked her past me, gave me a two-second look, checked her over, declared that her blood sugar was low, put her on my shoulder for 15 seconds, and then whisked her away to the NICU. Mr. Right, at my urging, followed.<br />
<br />
So, I was alone. They put my parts back together, yanked all of my drugs and wheeled me into recovery where I spent the next 10 minutes practically begging the nurse for a tylenol, trying to relax my vibrating muscles, and asking for updates on how my daughter was. The pain was phenomenal - I felt EVERYthing. It was so intense that every muscle in my body tensed up in response, like fight or flight but heavy on the please-fly-me-the-FUCK-away-from-this-pain! C-sections are no fun, let me tell you. Eventually she gave me a shot and I was wheeled into our private room, which was the last place I wanted to be until a nurse that I will never forget walked into my room with a HUGE plastic cup of ice water in each hand. I burst into tears and told her that I would love her forever. Seriously.<br />
<br />
It was almost 12 hours before I finally saw my daughter, and believe me, I'm not happy about it, nor were the NICU nurses. I cried to 2 different nurses - and I hardly ever cry - to just please take me to see my baby. The next morning (Valentine's Day), I was making threats if anyone else prevented me from getting to the NICU, so they finally helped me to get on my feet. Except I couldn't. My left leg was completely dead. So I got a wheeled bar for my catheter bag, and a kindly nurse found me a wheelchair, and Mr. Right took me to my baby.<br />
<br />
That moment... it's indescribable. Wonderful. Beautiful. Sacred. Bittersweet because I'd been kept from having that moment for hours up until then. I stripped my gown off without a care and set her as close to my heart as I could, and I cried. In joy, and sadness, and the intensity of wanting her so badly and finally having her. In missing out on having that closeness when I should've, when she was mere seconds in this world or minutes in this world, when every baby needs the skin and touch and smell and warmth of the body that housed them for an eternity. Of all the things that I regret about Hannah's delivery, that's the biggest. I was wronged, Hannah was wronged, and it was just inhuman.<br />
<br />
The NICU nurse came after an appropriate time and checked all of Hannah's vitals. I'll always remember her turning to me upon looking at the results, a big grin on her face, and saying <i>"She just needed her Mama."</i><br />
<br />
Instead of spending the usual week in the NICU, she spent only 2.5 days. We worked on breastfeeding (epic fail, though I pumped for 4 weeks) and just cuddled as often as I was allowed. I requested a walker to get my dead leg working again, and after 7 days in the hospital we were finally released to go home.<br />
<br />
And now here we are, 7 months later, and I've been gifted with this wonderful, chatty little creature who defies all of the milestones (she started rolling over at 9 days old, talking at 4 months, and is, according to standard measurements, months ahead in terms of development). She's in the 90th percentile for height and the 50th percentile for weight, so tall and slender and beautiful and SMART. My little extrovert, not a shy bone in her body, loves nothing more than to be out and about meeting people and slaying everyone with her killer smile. I'm truly, irrevocably in love.<br />
<br />
I'm a Mommy. And it's awesome.<br />
<br />
<i>{On a side note, my fight to stay on my pump kept my blood sugars between 4.5 and 6.0 for the entire time I was in labour. Not one single hypo- or hyperglycemic episode! The NICU nurses told me that they see low BG's often in babies whose Mom's have had long, hard labours augmented with a lot of drugs.}</i>Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-18290548744415470662014-01-19T06:46:00.001-08:002014-01-19T06:54:08.226-08:0035 Weeks!! I Can't Reach My Vag. Seriously.Ok so technically we are two days away from the 35 week mark, but I figure I'm entitled a slight TARDIS trip for incubating a wiggly alien in my abdomen.<div><br></div><div>Because just when I think pregnancy really sucks, it snorts in my face and throws some new challenge my way.</div><div><br></div><div>Like the chest cold I caught 3 weeks ago from L~. The one that I still have, complete with hacking cough and painful throat. I never get colds - I can count on one hand the number of colds I've had in my life and still be able to flip the virus the goddamn bird. Fine. Bring it, I say.</div><div><br></div><div>And then I'm further mocked by a stomach flu, the likes of which I also haven't seen in years. It knocked me flat on my ass for two days last week; worse, it resulted in dehydration and ketones. Big, scary ketones (sans hyperglycemia, how's that for irony!) that had me calling two different hospitals in a panic that the almost-developed sea monkey would suffer a terrible and painful death. I barely avoided DKA and it's been a rough recovery but the little Ninja continues to kick the shit out of my right rib while simultaneously head-butting my bladder. Big. Fucking. PHEWF. </div><div><br></div><div>I've gained 60 lbs, 45 of it legit baby belly. 15 lbs has taken up residence on my hips thanks to stress and the first 6 months of morning sickness and being a pregnant and barefoot housewife during winter. I lost 3 lbs last week which I'm sure I'll get shit for at my next Diabetic clinic appointment. I've become a chronic whiner and I groan a lot whilst trying to turn over in bed. I hate stairs. I have cankles for fucks sake!!! I don't sleep. It's 7:30 am right now and I haven't slept a wink at all. But I've peed about eighty-seven times. Seriously, I pee so much now that our water bill has actually increased. Oh, and my left boob??</div><div><br></div><div>It's leaking. </div><div><br></div><div>And if all of that wasn't enough... my lovely Doula has me doing exercises to help prevent tearing during labour. I sit on a Palmolive dish soap bottle filled with warm water (bliss!) and bounce around on an exercise ball a few times a day. </div><div><br></div><div>And I'm supposed to massage my perineum. As in, lube up a finger, and rub it in a 'U' shaped pattern at the bottom of my vag while stretching lightly in order to feel the burn. Okay, I'm very familiar with self-exploration, I can handle - - </div><div><br></div><div>What. The. Fuck. </div><div><br></div><div>Fingers coated in olive oil, ready to rock that hole... And I can't fucking reach it!!!! I twisted. I contorted. I sat on the toilet and tried, I even resorted to doggy-style! </div><div><br></div><div>I can't touch my own goddamn vajayjay!!! My arms are not long enough to reach past the freaking planet at my midsection and actually hit gold. </div><div><br></div><div>I have hit rock bottom. For all I know, there's mold growing down there and a freaking troll has moved in - after all, I've been sick for almost a week, so there's been a noticeable lack of getting bendy lately. </div><div><br></div><div>My femininity dried up. And I cried.</div><div><br></div><div>Touché pregnancy, touché.</div>Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-82210787354283020582013-12-17T17:13:00.001-08:002013-12-17T17:53:06.145-08:0030 Weeks: Poor, Poor MeI'm feeling a little sorry for myself today.<div><br></div><div>I've blogged about my Endo frustrations before. It wears me down, leaves me feeling almost helpless... not a feeling I'm used to. So at my last OB appointment, my doctor and I discussed my going to a different clinic, one that I've used in the past. Today was my first appointment with them, and it was both a huge improvement as well as a slight disappointment.</div><div><br></div><div>What I loved was the knowledge about insulin pumps. The prior Endo made me write my blood sugars out by hand on this terrible sheet he'd come up with. I'd asked him why I couldn't just download my pump in one of my first appointments: he told me that there was too much information and he couldn't see the forest for the trees. Umm, okaaay then... I used his sheet without complaint. This morning I brought my log book, unsure about the procedure at this new clinic. One if the first things that the CDE did was download my pump and print off all the reports. Then we spent almost an hour and a half reviewing the data. At one point, we talked about ketones and the CDE was shocked to hear that I was still using urine test strips - she proceeded to give me a blood ketone meter for free and reviewed with me the pregnancy procedures in event of ketones. She gave me a thorough check-up: my feet were poked and prodded, it was discovered that I have a decent case of pregnancy-induced edema, and I even peed in a cup! </div><div><br></div><div>Then it was the dietician. One of the things that I didn't have a complaint about at the old clinic was the Dietician - she was helpful and supportive. So was her counterpart today. She gave me a list of very cool apps and websites that I could use for carb counting and estimation and I left her office maintaining the positive feelings the CDE had inspired.</div><div><br></div><div>And then it was the Endo. One of the first things she told me was that, because they operate out of a different hospital and are under a different health authority than the one I'm delivering at, they might not be able to see me. I was crushed, I won't lie. I hid it well but it took an immense amount of will power to stop myself from crying. The previous 3 hours had been so helpful, so supportive, and now I was being told that I might not be allowed to continue receiving that help. </div><div><br></div><div>It makes me shake my head, even right this moment, to think that I may have to accept what I consider sub-standard diabetes care because of where I'm delivering. Do I not pay the taxes that support our healthcare system?? Am I not entitled to the very best resources available for a person in my condition with the technology that I have????</div><div><br></div><div>We had a few hitches after that; she wanted to know why I was having difficulties with the Endo/clinic, and I explained to her that I didn't feel that they had the tools and resources necessary to help ME. I let her know that I had discussed with the prior Endo my belief that we didn't communicate well, that we weren't an effective team, and told her about how when I'd gone to him with an issue he'd shrugged it off and essentially told me that it would happen and there's nothing I can do about it. I just wanted help, that's all I've ever asked for!! I don't need someone to manage every little detail of my disease - I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself and my A1c reflects my dedication. But when I'm struggling with something I want to feel comfortable addressing it and then feel satisfied that I was given something to even try and do to resolve it!! That's not too much to ask of a specialist, is it?!?</div><div><br></div><div>And that's where things went a little sour. She made this comment to me (not word for word but pretty darn close):</div><div><br></div><div>"I don't want to tell you to suck it up, but you have to think about what's best for the baby and just because you don't like someone - -" </div><div><br></div><div>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</div><div><br></div><div>I interrupted her right there. I'm pretty sure that my blood pressure increased a good ten points, I was so angry! </div><div><br></div><div>"It's got NOTHING to do with my liking or not liking someone. It's about my having ALL of the tools and resources available to me to manage this disease and keep this baby healthy! How is that not about me doing what's best for this baby??"</div><div><br></div><div>She acknowledged that she'd misstepped in saying that it had anything to do with my liking him or not (I frankly don't like or dislike the man, I just want to be able to trust and rely on the person in that position for crying out loud!!), but I saw the whole medical clique/politics thing come into play a few times afterward. She told me that she'd try to liase with the other clinic, which put me over the moon, but then told me that she'd 'talk to Eddie about it', that being the first name of the old Endo. Le sigh. I appreciate and respect that the man is well known in the area for his research and for being a part of the Edmonton Protocol, but that means nothing to my immediate situation if the assistance that I need hasn't been there!!!! Jeesh. So I ignored it and just addressed what I NEEDED from that visit, and I got suggestions. She was willing to compromise with me, showed understanding when I explained why, in my mind, loosening up control of my blood sugars was not an acceptable trade-off for not gaining any more weight. The communication was fantastic, in spite of the little hitches we had, and I did leave feeling 90% satisfied with the visit.</div><div><br></div><div>And they booked me for an appointment in two weeks. Freaking awesome. At the next appointment I'll see the Endo who originally put me on the pump, which I'm looking forward to, along with the CDE and dietician again. </div><div><br></div><div>And then I guess all I can do is continue to be an advocate for myself and my baby and the level of care that we require, and hope for the best. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if my file had been labelled with some big red sticker, letting everyone know that I'm a troublemaking upstart and a difficult patient... and I'm okay with that. So long as it gets me the level of care that I'm entitled to, I'll continue to fight the status quo.</div><div><br></div><div>Otherwise, I might as well just manage it all myself. And wouldn't that be a shame?? Because nobody should have to fight the system in order to access the resources available... and you know what? I shouldn't be judged for being willing to do that, either.</div>Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-69744682898184595912013-11-18T01:28:00.001-08:002013-11-18T02:08:00.638-08:0099 Days and CountingWe've broken the double digits! 25 weeks and 6 days in, and this baby will be born in 99 days. <div><br></div><div>Well OK, most likely less than that since my OB typically induces around 39 weeks. He said he'll be okay with my going to 40 if everything looks good at that point... but only if I can continue to maintain the non-diabetic blood sugars that I've been kicking butt with. Challenge is on!</div><div><br></div><div>Did I mention that it's after 2 am in this lovely Minday morning? Ahhhh, pregnancy induced insomnia, my new BFF. (I hate you)</div><div><br></div><div>As of last weekend, L~ finally knows that he's going to be a big brother. While most 6 year old kids would probably have figured it out by now (especially considering the many slip-ups of our adult friends and family!), it took three other six year olds telling him point-blank what was going on before L~ caught on. Fortunately so far there doesn't seem to be any backlash and L~ is somewhat ambivalent about his forthcoming fall from Only Child Syndrome.</div><div><br></div><div>So far. Unfortunately L~, for all his sweetness, is a mass of medicated issues; developmentally, emotionally, physically. He's a ticking time bomb and I'm constantly waiting for the clock to hit zero. He has no physical drive and is quite simply the first and only lazy child I've ever in my life seen. He's having troubles in school - has been since the start of kindergarten last year. He doesn't understand the assignments. He doesn't pay attention and disrupts the class and has emotional breakdowns almost daily. He's at his fourth school in two years because Mr. Right and exnonwife keep beating around the bush instead of just <i>acting</i> and doing something proactive. It's the teachers fault, every time. Now they are putting him back into Kindergarten with the expectation that <i>this</i> will finally solve all their problems.</div><div><br></div><div>The thing is, he needs <b>help. </b>He doesn't need to be held back or switched into another school again - he needs one on one every day with a qualified educator who can teach him in a way that he will understand.</div><div><br></div><div><b>Because he's 6 years old and he cannot grasp simple concepts like the difference between a square and a rectangle.</b></div><div><b><br></b></div><div><b>Or letters of the alphabet.</b></div><div><b><br></b></div><div>I suggested Mr. Right have an assessment done. Unfortunately after the past two and a half months of his excuses and my frustration, we've come to the conclusion that this is an area where I cannot be involved. Because in his eyes I just think there's something wrong with L~, and in my eyes Mr. Right is so determined that his child is just perfect that he's not willing to get him the help he needs to succeed. </div><div><br></div><div>So I wait for the next big issue; I wait for exnonwife to blame L~'s likely unsuccessful return to kindergarten on the fact that we're having a baby. (And believe me, I have every finger and toe crossed that I'm wrong and that he ends up excelling in kindergarten!) I wait for whatever medication they'll put him on next and the effect that that will have on his behavior (he's on thyroid and anti-seizure meds with the occasional steroidal inhaler or two thrown in for fun). And how that will affect our household and relationship every second weekend for the next... who even knows.</div><div><br></div><div><b>And how it's going to one day affect my child's environment. </b></div><div><b><br></b></div><div>I worry too much, I know. But there's a little tiny part of me that screams in a very loud whisper: <i>'I REALLY DON'T WANT A CHILD LIKE L~!!'</i> What I mean by that is, whatever gene that caused his impairments, whatever nature or nurture that influenced his delays and laziness: please do not make friends with my child. Mr. Right is average intelligence, and exnonwife seems to manage about the same. I have a high IQ; I taught myself to read when I was 3, resisted being advanced ahead two grades in school, understood concepts that the average person would find baffling. I'm not bragging, believe me. If anything I find that my intelligence hindered my childhood and has made being an adult somewhat frustrating. It even sometimes colours my relationship with Mr. Right and my immediate family, resulting in my having to suppress feelings and thoughts in order to relate to them.</div><div><br></div><div>But in spite of all that, I want everything for my child, including an innate keenness and intelligence. And the physical aptitude that runs in my family, as well as Mr. Right's. I hope that our little Sea Monkey is the exact opposite of the child that lives in our house every second weekend.</div><div><br></div><div>Is it terrible of me to feel that way?</div>Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-85706328569323567572013-10-30T15:37:00.000-07:002013-10-30T15:37:55.071-07:0023 Weeks: I Won't Give Up My Control118 days to go.<br />
<br />
Boy, where to start... ? The sea monkey is doing just fine - he's weighing in right on target, our fetal echocardiograms are great so far, he's constantly doing his kung-fu ninja moves, and his heartbeat measures perfect every time. He's perfect. And that's really all that matters.<br />
<br />
In my opinion, anyway. Things are significantly more difficult for me, but I'm dealing and dealing well. But the frustration... gah. You see, I do not enjoy my Endocrinologist. He and I are like oil and water - I self-manage my Type 1 Diabetes to a degree that most Diabetic specialists are not used to. One would think that this would result in an Endo who is nothing but encouraging and pleased; alas, not mine. I had my monthly visit with him this morning and it went as it always seems to, resulting in my frustration and anger.<br />
<br />
My <a href="http://www.bayerdiabetes.ca/en/diabetes-and-you/testing/a1c-testing.php" target="_blank">A1c</a> measured in at 5.5%. Freaking AWESOME. What's important to note here is that this A1c is based on a low number of hypoglycemic episodes, so it's not an issue of a lot of low BG's pulling the number down. No, it means that my blood sugar is averaging around 6.0 mmol/L. It means I'm maintaining non-diabetic BG's for the majority of each day, and doing every thing within <b><i>MY</i></b> power to ensure that this child will be born without any effects of my disease. If I continue to do this through the following 118 days, I minimize the risk of having a large baby due to high blood sugars. I minimize the risk of his lungs being underdeveloped or his own blood sugar going dangerously low after he's delivered, among many other potential issues. I also significantly increase the chance of a healthy, normal, natural labour and delivery rather than requiring medication and surgery! All of my sacrifices are worth that.<br />
<br />
My Endo, however, is possibly on crack or just has his own control issues... you be the judge. Because today he told me that my control is good enough that I can sacrifice it in order to stop weight gain.<br />
Say WHAT??<br />
<br />
I've gained almost 50 lbs over the past 6 months. Believe me, I don't like it myself - I was about 25 lbs overweight when I got pregnant, and slowly working at losing that. But I liked my body... now, I hate it. I don't have the cute little baby bump - I have the planet-sized mountain on my abdomen that has everyone wondering if I'm possibly having twins. It's HUGE. I feel fat and icky and gross and I want my pre-baby body baaaaaaaaack!!!!<br />
<br />
<b>But there is no freaking way in Hell that I am going to let my blood sugars go UP and increase the potential risks to my innocent little baby to avoid gaining another 20 lbs. </b><br />
<br />
And that's what I told him. I asked him how he can justify my baby's health against my weight and his response: he's aware of studies that suggest that excessive weight gain in the Mother can lead to future obesity in the child.<br />
<br />
Okay, so in his opinion it's more important that my child not maybe get fat some day, than it is for us to have a healthy, safe labour and delivery of a child who will not have any heart or neural defects or be oversized due to my elevated blood sugars.<br />
<br />
I told him that I plan on teaching my child good eating habits, just like my Mom did for me. My Mom, who is 56 years old and in better shape than most 20 year olds. Who gained 70 lbs during her pregnancy with my older sister, who I should note is not obese. I grew up at a healthy weight and maintained that until college, but I was never obese either, and that had nothing to do with genes.<br />
<br />
I walk every day, usually twice a day. I eat balanced meals - in fact, if anything I could be accused of not eating Enough rather than eating too much. I'm in a weekly prenatal dance class and a weekly yoga class, and I dance around the house. A lot. I log the food that I eat and consistently maintain a caloric intake between 1900 - 2000 calories as suggested by my Dietician, who I also touch base with at least once a month.<br />
<br />
So tell me, how exactly would it help for me to stop controlling my BG's so tightly???<br />
<br />
I've also been dealing with the inevitable 2nd through 3rd trimester insulin insensitivity, which basically means that my normally overly-sensitive to insulin body is now struggling a bit in using injected insulin to manage the meals that I eat. I've started cutting carbs and walking after breakfast and dinner in order to alleviate this, but today I asked the Endo if he has any other suggestions for managing this issue. Nope... in fact, rather than encouraging me or offering me any sort of constructive advice, he instead told me that it's going to happen and there's nothing that I can do about it.<br />
Bullshit. Don't EVER tell me I can't do something, particularly when it comes to this disease!!! I know better than anyone that there's always something that can be done, I just have to find the tools. <br />
<br />
I'm beginning to suspect that what's happening is that the Endo has nothing to do when he sees me. I don't look to him to make changes to any of my pump settings; he knows that I'll take his suggestions but probably won't use them (sadly, they're usually no good!). I'm perfect in every possible way... except for the weight gain. So he grabs on to it like the last raft off a sinking ship and just goes with it. Maybe he just wants to be right (I prove him wrong, a lot!), maybe that's what it is.<br />
<br />
All I know is that today's visit and the comments he made were the last straw; I'm going to be asking to see a new Endocrinologist going forward. Someone who is able to understand that I don't need to be controlled by my doctor - I do that better than any Endo ever could.Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-7167588845441515922013-09-15T19:10:00.002-07:002013-09-15T19:10:54.778-07:0016 Weeks, 5 Days: Pregnancy & Type 1 Diabetes I don't blog often about having Type 1 Diabetes here on the Spanx. Deliberately. You see, I used to be extremely involved in the online community of Diabetics; I had a formerly well-known blog several years ago, started an online support group, was published with the JDRF, and a few other notable things that really don't matter. Hell, I went to college for a healthcare diploma with the end goal of becoming a CDE some day (a few years later I ended up going back to school to become an accountant lol)! I became so deeply submerged in everything diabetes and insulin pump related, that I ended up spending entirely too much time sitting in front of a computer rather than living life, finding love; you know the old song and dance. So I turned around and, with the exception of a few areas, I walked completely away from Diabetes on the internet.<br />
<br />
I spent the several years in between then and now focusing on losing the weight that I'd gained from being so sedentary, dating and kissing frogs, <a href="http://spanxster.blogspot.ca/2012/10/change-possibly-longest-blog-post-ive.html" target="_blank">finding Mr. Right</a>, jumping through hoops to buy my house, re-establishing relationships with my closest friends... the important things. The things that I blogged about here, while my relationship with my disease remained steady and true and not really worth talking about. Until now. Until pregnancy changed <i>everything.</i><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Pregnancy as a Type 1 Diabetic is freaking hard.</b><br />
<br />
I've had this disease for almost 24 years and I'm exceptionally good at managing it, and all it took was a few weeks of being pregnant to truly humble me. One of the very first symptoms that I had before I even knew I was preggers was low blood sugars. All the time. For no good reason. That started around week 4 if I recall correctly, and it's lasted for the duration. Now, imagine knowing that if you don't drink that glass of orange juice you'll pass out and possibly go into a diabetic coma, potentially resulting in the Seamonkey's death... except you know that if you drink that orange juice you're going to spew. Everywhere. {OJ can be substituted with Ginger Ale/Apple Juice/Everything with the same results!} Welcome to pregnancy as a Type 1 Diabetic... with <a href="http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001499.htm" target="_blank">HG</a>.<br />
<br />
I've had record lows; Mr. Right called me one Sunday from work, waking me up from a sickness-induced nap:<br />
<br />
"Did you check your blood sugar baby?"<br />
I didn't feel low. At all. And I've always had great sensitivity for lows. "Oh, yeah, good idea."<br />
5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1...<br />
My contour meter beamed this scary reading over to my pump: <b>1.0 mmol</b>.<br />
<br />
One. Point FREAKING ZERO. For those of you not in the know, a low BG starts at 3.9 mmol (70 for my American brethren). The reality is that I was extremely lucky to have woken up to that phone call, and I knew it. Had Mr. Right not called me... well, I hate to even imagine. I choked down a cup of ginger ale and managed to keep it down, and ironically once I hit around the mid-2's I started to feel shaky and sweaty and the spaghetti-limbs showed up. Fortunately I've only had a few subsequent low's in the high 1's; the rest usually beep in at a 2-point-something, thanks to this pregnancy-induced degradation of my hypo-awareness.<br />
<br />
I'm happy to report that, with intensive monitoring and adjustments of my basal/bolus ratios, I have been able to limit and better manage the lows, and last week's A1c was a lovely 6.1% with a standard deviation (SD) of 41% of MBG! Not perfect though - I'm shooting for 5.5% with an SD of <40% by mid-October at the latest. A lot of Diabetics use the A1c as a benchmark for control, without realizing that the measurement is imperfect simply because it's a weighted average. Sure, my A1c might be great... but if I dig into the numbers behind that A1c, what I might find is that I'm having 6 highs a day and 6 lows a day and those are resulting in what looks to be a great A1c... but what is, in reality, terrible control. By using SD in conjunction with my A1c, I get a much better idea of how good my blood sugar control really is. <br />
<br />
To explain SD, I've copied a little explanation that I wrote elsewhere on the www's:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>"Standard deviation in reference to BG represents the variation of blood
glucose levels either in excess of or below the average. It measures the
range of the values that affect the average; if the values are close to
the mean, then the SD will be close to zero. If a lot of the values are
far from the average then the SD will also be further from zero. <br />The
lower your SD, the more consistent your BG's are. The higher your SD,
the more erratic and inconsistent your BG's are. Basically, the SD is a
good way to evaluate how tightly controlled your BG levels are. <br /><br />On
average case studies, a healthy, non-diabetic person will have a
standard deviation in BG levels of < 1.7 mmol / 30 mg with a MBG
(mean blood glucose) of 4.5 mmol / 80 mg. This is a SD of about < 40%
of the MBG. Diabetics should set approximately this same target SD to
improve overall control (and decrease the risk of complications and
yadda yadda yadda). Starting with a goal of <50% SD is a great way to
begin."</i></blockquote>
I'm lucky because my Minimed pump downloads into a program that uses all of the BG information - including when I have my CGMS hooked up - to calculate SD. But Excel has a function to do the same if necessary. <br />
<br />
The past week or so has brought about some pretty significant changes that are making managing my blood sugars a bit more difficult: I'm starting to see the typical decrease in insulin sensitivity that occurs in the second trimester, and my HG is finally getting better! I haven't vomited for 2 whole days. Which means I've been eating! Which means... I've been bolusing for actual meat-and-potato meals. And it's been having mixed results. Yesterday my BG's were perfect all day long. My 1 hour post-prandial's (PP's) were consistently under 7.5 mmol without trailing lows. The line on my CGMS didn't go above or below my target ranges for the entire day, and I only had one low BG overnight last night. Today... well, this morning after breakfast I chased an 8 around for a few hours, then again early this evening I was fighting with a 7. Neither were PP's and they scoffed at the extra over-corrections that I hit them with, and even the temp basal of 130% that I resorted to at one point! So, I walked. I walked and finally started to see the downward pointing arrow on my CGMS status screen.<br />
<br />
But what am I going to do when it's -35 degrees outside and there's 3 feet of snow to contend with, and I can't shake those freaking 7's?!? And my belly is sticking out to there?? I plan to walk around and around my kitchen and living room if I have to. Maybe talk to my Obstetrician about what sort of exercises I can do right at the moment in the event that this happens again... and I know it's going to happen again.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, all I can do is the best I can to ensure that I have a healthy baby, and a normal birth.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i> </i> Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-89741744367684816362013-09-13T22:43:00.001-07:002013-09-15T19:13:18.621-07:00Ugliest Pillow. Ever.In a consignment store last week, I happened upon the holy grail of pregnancy pillows:<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-_xmpcOyqSgI/UjP3mj0ELnI/AAAAAAAAAF4/NbI24P6xpQE/s640/blogger-image--338565222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-_xmpcOyqSgI/UjP3mj0ELnI/AAAAAAAAAF4/NbI24P6xpQE/s400/blogger-image--338565222.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The Snoogle.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's this giant body pillow that's shaped in something of an "S" configuration, with one end for head support and the other intended to be placed between the knees. Though I fall asleep on my side, I always wake on my back, so this pillow has been a lifesaver in training myself to remain on my left side. I adore it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Mr. Right, on the other hand, is not quite so fond of it. He jokingly complains about how he's been replaced; how we have what amounts to another full sized person in the bed. Who I would rather snuggle with then him.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So I started calling it my Snoogly. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Which Mr. Right quickly adapted to Poo-gly. After a very bad night of pregnancy induced flatulence. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The Poo-gly: every pregnant woman's best friend!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-75720729298017470592013-08-30T21:13:00.001-07:002013-08-31T02:43:03.651-07:0014 Weeks & 4 Days: Pregnancy SUCKSI'm not a complainer by nature. I was raised to suck it up and go; one of my Mom's favourite phrases when we hurt ourselves as kids was to "walk it off". And self-pity was never tolerated. Period.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Pregnancy has broken me. Straight up. It's turned me into a vomiting machine from the moment I wake to - well, the moment I wake. And then there's the added suckage of having Type 1 Diabetes and being pregnant. So beyond one paragraph that a future post is to follow. Just trust me when I say that pregnancy is hard... and pregnancy with Type 1 Diabetes is a bazillion times harder. And scarier. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I was hospitalized, and then I was laid off (and that's all I can say about that). It's been a very rough couple of months. I'm finally going to be a Mommy and that is mind-blowing and life-changing and freaking AWESOME! But gawd, I hate being pregnant.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Until I see this:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-Z3ZEVFPQfPQ/UiFwqjcVGKI/AAAAAAAAAFo/VYuCmWIq_Xk/s640/blogger-image-1525070599.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="361" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-Z3ZEVFPQfPQ/UiFwqjcVGKI/AAAAAAAAAFo/VYuCmWIq_Xk/s400/blogger-image-1525070599.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hello World!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div>
Hello, beautiful! He's insanely active; the aforementioned Type 1 has had one benefit: we've already had 6 ultrasounds. Every time we see him on the screen he's bouncing around with a ton of energy, stubbornly refusing to hold still for measurements and quality Kodak moments. Of all the u/s photos we have - and we have a lot! - this one is as good as it gets, thanks to a tech who had a unique ability to hit the button in the split second that he was between bounces. Waving at us. At least I like to think that's what he was doing.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>{We aren't going to find out the sex before he's born... I just have this feeling that it's a boy.} </i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
So while I acknowledge every day how blessed I am, how lucky, how incredibly wonderful this little miracle is... I am also not ashamed to admit that pregnancy is freaking hard. I'm not glowing, unless you look at me in the right light and perhaps see a resemblance to a spotlit Kermit. A smelly, bloated, top-heavy, constantly puking frog who cries over African documentaries and loses her shit at annoying strangers. That's me, + pregnancy. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I can't fucking Wait until it's over.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And I wouldn't trade it for anything. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Thank gawd this pregnancy thing is temporary.</div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-21577632423860219342013-07-17T07:35:00.001-07:002013-07-26T07:16:59.624-07:008 Weeks, 1 Day: The Flicker. And Poop.Two weeks ago we went for our very first ultrasound. My former-Doctor had scheduled it in the small town lab connected to her clinic, so we got in quickly and didn't have to wait long in the waiting room. Though I'll tell you... When your pea-sized bladder is overflowing to the point if pain, even a ten minute wait feels like forever! When I was finally called in I sighed with relief... and asked when Mr. Right would be allowed in the small room. "Once I've taken all the measurements," I was told.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Except the little wand against my stomach at 6 weeks was apparently not good enough. Out came the vaginal ultrasound wand, which put me in mind of a dildo. A very expensive dildo, apparently, as the tech informed me when I asked if Mr. Right could please come in NOW?!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"I'm sorry, but we can't open the door when this device is in use because if anything ever happened to it we could not be able to replace it. It costs more than a car!"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'd like to say that I was mad (afterwards when I walked back out to the waiting room I was extremely angry) but right then she turned the screen to me and there was my little sea monkey. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"You see that flickering?" She asked, pointing to a little bulge in the middle of that c-shaped creature. "That's the heartbeat." </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-746_SdNyZ0o/UeatGSK3vKI/AAAAAAAAAFY/ClhHFU2znos/s640/blogger-image-1598672319.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-746_SdNyZ0o/UeatGSK3vKI/AAAAAAAAAFY/ClhHFU2znos/s400/blogger-image-1598672319.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hello, Sea Monkey!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<div>
That moment was indescribable. I don't think there will ever be a comparable time in my life; everything just stood still. For five seconds I existed in everything, and everything existed in me. All because of a rapid flicker.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As for the rest of what this post title alludes to... well, first I'd like to say that I've been incredibly surprised by how early the symptoms start! I don't have morning sickness... I have ALLDAY sickness. My boobs are KILLING me. I'm so freaking bloated I could die. This past weekend I ended up hitting a Thyme Maternity sale because the slightest pressure on my stomach is intensely uncomfortable. I'm bloody exhausted. And I can't POOP. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Now, imagine if you will (or remember, if you've been here!), having a crampy stomach and unbelievably rank flatulence because of digestion issues. Any cramps are scary so that's a ton of fun. But in this case, a sixth sense (and some medical reassurance haha) tells you that if you just have a bowel movement you'll feel so much better.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Except... nada. No pooping for you! It's there but it's HARD. So you bear down but WAIT! What if your painful need to poop causes something else to come out?!? Yes, logically I know that's not possible (my obstetrician also poo-pooed that) but I have suddenly found myself questioning logic and believing the Chinese Gender Horoscope when it tells me we're having a boy. So not only am I having a hard time pooping, I'm also worried about having a hard time pooping. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Say what?!?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Oh and the best part? I now have little dark hairs growing around my gargantuan nipples. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Totally worth it.</div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-37424526861425194292013-06-28T09:00:00.001-07:002013-07-26T07:46:38.052-07:00Don't Listen To Doctors<div>
... as Mr. Right would say.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
I think I'm not alone in being terrified of this pregnancy... For this pregnancy... About this pregnancy. Other women must worry that something will go wrong, right?<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As a Type 1 Diabetic I have many, many additional worries and challenges and complications: my blood sugar needs to remain as stable as possible at all times, because extreme and extended highs and lows can harm the baby through every stage of my pregnancy. OK well I've been doing this for almost 24 years so easy peasy... except SO NOT. I could LIVE in the fridge right now, and I'm barely using any basal insulin. It's scary to realize, for the first time in a bazillion years, that I have NO idea what I'm doing.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So Thursday morning I went to see my GP in order to ease my fears, confirm the pregnancy, and be referred to a high-risk obstetrical clinic. When she came in the exam room my excitement and fear combined in a verbal jumble of 'ItooktwopregnancytestsandtheywerebothpositiveandI'msoHAPPYandEXCITEDbutOMGI'mTERRIFIED!!!!!!!!!'</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
She didn't laugh as she usually does at my behavior... nor did she congratulate me.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Oh... well..." [insert some blah blah here that I can't remember because then she said:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"You need to be prepared to have a miscarriage."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"EXCUSE ME???" I practically yelled it at her. and then, in the middle of the exam room I started crying. Normally I would argue her opinions with her - we've debated in the past about religion and marriage. And yes, having children otside of wedlock. Prior intellectual and interesting conversations that should've been my first indication that she would not like my news. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Well if it's meant to be God will see it happen."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And that's when I blew up at her. This Doctor who had spent the last 17 years listening to me talk about how badly I wanted children; who told me to expect to have difficulties conceiving; who had gained my implicit trust and respect, not only betrayed me but also stepped over the line by shoving her unqualified opinion and religious beliefs in my face.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I may report her. Right now I'm trying to get past her words. Trying not to let the worry consume me. I always thought that this would be a time of happiness and anticipation... not these epic fears that now sneak up in me. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I will NOT let her influence my feelings towards the sea monkey percolating inside of me. Que sera sera... And everything will be fine. I'm now on a whopping 5 mg Folic Acid (normal procedure for Type 1 Diabetics) along with extra D and Calcium supplements. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-0CZapP5L-OM/UdLe7Cg7UPI/AAAAAAAAAEo/cOeDKVUEJPI/s640/blogger-image-2024856845.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-0CZapP5L-OM/UdLe7Cg7UPI/AAAAAAAAAEo/cOeDKVUEJPI/s400/blogger-image-2024856845.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holy Vitamins, Batman!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<div>
And best of all, my initial lab tests showed that my HCG levels are exactly what they should be. I've already got an appointment at the high-risk obstetrical clinic tomorrow morning, and a 6 week ultrasound scheduled for Thursday afternoon. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And Mr. Right and I will continue to talk about nursery colours (OK, I'll talk and he'll nod and smile!) and how beautiful this little sea monkey will be. We're having a baby. It chokes me!!!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Isn't life wonderful?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-63929005163442953862013-06-26T09:59:00.001-07:002013-07-26T07:20:27.891-07:00Little Pink LinesHOLY SHIT.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-xXj9yrICzR0/Ucsd51c4-yI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/wfnuCBXfMso/s640/blogger-image-2147239528.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-xXj9yrICzR0/Ucsd51c4-yI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/wfnuCBXfMso/s400/blogger-image-2147239528.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holy. Shit.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I freaked. I jumped around like a pantless looney in the bathroom. Then I thought I was hyperventilating. Then I couldn't stop smiling. Then, I cried.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And then I started doubting it. After all, doctors have spent YEARS warning me that I'll probably have fertility issues. There's NO way Mr. Right's Well Trained Soldiers (as he calls them... he's former military so I figure he's entitled lol) could be THAT impressive. I had to try another test... and I was adamant that I wouldn't use the remaining test from my 2-test box. So I went out and got a different type, that didn't have light lines and dark lines and blah blah blah.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-u0qLQ_fPzrY/Ucsd7I8zWrI/AAAAAAAAAEY/PoRTFs-KoxM/s640/blogger-image-471076959.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-u0qLQ_fPzrY/Ucsd7I8zWrI/AAAAAAAAAEY/PoRTFs-KoxM/s400/blogger-image-471076959.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If we ever do this again, this is the one I'm using. Digital, all the way!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<div>
Holy mother of GAWD.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My Doctors appointment is tomorrow at 9:45 am. We've told only my longest-time girlfriend. I'm over the freaking moon!!! I'm ecstatic!!! I'm absofreakinglutely TERRIFIED and trying desperately not to worry about what could go wrong. Maybe both the tests were wrong (I have one left and I might use it!), maybe all those scary things that I don't want to even acknowledge here will happen. I have to be SO careful now, because of my Type 1 Diabetes, that suddenly I feel like my 23 years of education and experience with Diabetes mean NOTHING! I'm afraid that I might lay on that table tomorrow and hear her say "they were false".</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Because I've gotten excited. I'm already emotionally attached to the little sea monkey that's growing inside of me right now. (Holy fuck! There is a BABY in there!!! I'm going to be a MOMMY!!!) I want him with every fibre of my being and I'm terrified that he'll be taken away. That he'll turn out to be simply an idea that I had, a hope and nothing more.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
No, he's in there. Tomorrow will confirm that, and everything will be just fine.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-QuanTfPsRvM/Ucsd40IirHI/AAAAAAAAAEI/VmqAEp5KqT0/s640/blogger-image--1246380196.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-QuanTfPsRvM/Ucsd40IirHI/AAAAAAAAAEI/VmqAEp5KqT0/s400/blogger-image--1246380196.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How am I gonna fit these in the baby book??</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've got the proof. And yeah, I'm keeping it!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-66479001120826664562013-06-19T14:07:00.001-07:002013-06-19T14:07:56.224-07:00Countdown Month One4 days to go.<div><br></div><div>Is it awful of me to count down the days? Is it terrible that I'm a little tempted to buy a home pregnancy test and just see what happens? How is it that I can be 99.9% certain that I'm <i>not</i> preggers, and yet that 0.01% almost seems to haunt a corner of my mind?</div><div><br></div><div>99.9%: it's PMS. Or maybe the flu. Stress is a possibility too. Who knows, it might be a whole "mind over matter" issue in which my brain is so obsessed that I'm getting pseudo-symptoms.</div><div><br></div><div>0.01%: my boobies are sore. I'm nauseous. Dizzy. I had strange cramping in my pelvis the week before last. My taste buds are really weird. I'm peeing a lot. On top of some strange constipation-slash-diarrhea. Epic EXHAUSTION!! </div><div><br></div><div>I promise myself I'd not dwell on thoughts and hopes... and to my credit I've done a good job. But every day that passes makes it harder to just go with the flow and wait and see. A co-worker asked me about my greenish face this morning, which led to the dreaded question: "Could you be pregnant?" I scoffed, told her that its highly unlikely and no way would I be feeling symptoms this early. "I did," she stated. With both her children, she had morning sickness almost from the very moment of conception. </div><div><br></div><div>You can imagine how the synapses in my brain started randomly misfiring upon her telling me this. </div><div><br></div><div><i>I could be. Anything is possible...</i></div><div><i><br></i></div><div>But I won't know for sure for at least another 4 days. How am I supposed to do this every month for <i>months???</i></div><div><i><br></i></div><div>Anything is possible, but my gut is telling me that there is no baby silently growing in my belly right now. </div><div><br></div><div>Prove me wrong, body.</div>Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-69062639618193703392013-06-17T12:54:00.001-07:002013-06-17T12:54:21.808-07:00Dragons Say It BestI haven't paid any attention to Father's Day for... well, ever. <div><br></div><div>This year was my first experience honouring a Dad since I was young enough to press my paint covered hand to a folded sheet of paper and present it as a card. I have no Father, only Mother's Day.</div><div><br></div><div>This Father's Day was different. There is a father in my life now who has shown me what real fatherhood means: leading by example and being a child's moral compass. Spending quality time putting a car set together on the floor or teaching a five year old the proper batting stance. Hugging his son often and without reserve. And then laughing over some silly boyish fart joke afterwards.</div><div><br></div><div>L~ and I went shopping on Saturday for the perfect Father's Day gift. It was a lovely blue button-down shirt that L~ picked out himself at the Big and Tall store, along with a card that was just perfect because of the Daddy Dinosaur on the front. It was a wonder to watch his little five-year old self peering seriously at each shirt while deciding which one Daddy would like best, or which card satisfied his own childish impulses. </div><div><br></div><div>Father's Day found Mr. Right working during the day, but L~ and I did our best to make his homecoming as wonderful as possible. Wrapped gift on the table... a card both L~ and I signed, covered in childish artwork with a little personal note from me. Steak and mashed potatoes for dinner. Lots of hugs and kisses and fun games. It was a wonderful day.</div><div><br></div><div>A day that I made special for the man that I love... and his child with another woman. There's a bitter sweetness to that for me, not so bitter that it ruined my first real experience with the occasion... but enough that I felt the little twinges from it throughout the weekend. Impatience and anticipation for the day that I make a special occasion for the man who has fathered children with <i>me</i>. <i>My babies' Daddy</i>. This past Sunday was special, and full of love.</div><div><br></div><div>But some day, I know, Father's Day will be MAGICAL. </div><div><br></div><div><i>{so I've been feeling awful this past week. Exhausted. Constipated. Exhausted. Nauseous. So. Freaking. Tired. Sorebacksorebacksoreboobies and even a leetle bit of strange pelvic cramping. I'm probably fighting the flu or it might just be stress... But I'll know either way in about 6 days. I keep telling myself it's nothing, don't think about it. I'm doing pretty good... For now.}</i></div>Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-20512939761852646682013-06-05T12:09:00.002-07:002013-06-05T12:09:59.552-07:00 (I suck at) Letting Nature Take It's CourseMr. Right and I are not trying to get pregnant.<br />
<br />
But... we're not preventing it, either.<br />
<br />
A few weeks ago, without any real discussion, we stopped using condoms. Heat of the moment and all, with only one short acknowledgement during which he asked me if I wanted him to suit up.<br />
<br />
I said no. Not only because we're both silently letting nature decide, but also because it just feels Sooooo much better. <br />
<br />
I'm doing my best not to wonder. I've been terribly exhausted this week. The timing is good. Mah boobies are sore. Headaches, intestinal stuff... all of which can be blamed on ovulation and/or the incredible amount of stress that I'm under at work right now combined with the constant go-go-go of life.<br />
<br />
I won't know either way for another two weeks or so, and I'm forcing myself not to acknowledge the possibilities. It apparently takes most couples up to a year to get pregnant; not one month. Maybe I'll get lucky, or maybe I'll be that damn statistic that doctors have warned me about. Either way, I'm trying not to worry. Or wonder. Or hope. Since I'm not anywhere near to Miss GoWithTheFlow, that's challenging. <br />
<br />
But fun. And wonderful. And happy. So I'm focusing on how good everything is (because we've come so far and everything is So much better now!) and just enjoying myself. Without pressure. Without my normal, ten page, detailed plan on how to Get Things Done. Yes, they always have timelines. And alternative options if said plan doesn't go the way I want. Resulting in worry and panic and definitive action plans. If life came with a guide book, I'd be standing on street corners giving them away.<br />
<br />
Here's to life without a guideline. <br />
<em>[And maybe, just maybe, a spring baby...]</em><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-29757537708558298072013-05-08T10:18:00.000-07:002013-05-08T10:18:10.264-07:00So Conflicted
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The weather this past week has been unseasonably warm for
May... we even had a day in the 30’s! I don’t know if it’s the beautiful
weather, or maybe the fact that spring has sprung (though May long weekend still
looms in the horizon), or perhaps my happy anticipation of gardening, or maybe it’s
simply knowing that summer is on the way!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">All I know is that right now, in this moment, I feel like
two different people sharing one body. There’s the Tiffany who is feeling
wonderfully optimistic and happy... and then there’s the heavy-hearted Tiffany
who is desperately trying to just get through five minutes without thinking
about Babies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m so, so terribly proud of Mr. Right that I’m practically
bursting with it on a daily basis. Remember how I told you that he was having
financial difficulties, and I was concerned with his ability to manage his
spending? It was stressing him out to the max and had resulted in his ‘checking
out’ on a daily basis, leaving me feeling as though everything was on my
shoulders while he failed to contribute at all. After one very heated argument,
we both realized that change is inevitable; I am making an effort to bend and
he is now working a part time job and making every effort to support me in any
way he can. It’s a work in progress and we both are fully invested in a
positive outcome and the changes so far have been freaking awesome. I hardly
imagined that my love for that man could ever actually increase but there it
is; some days I’m sure I resemble a cartoon skunk with hearts for eyeballs and
little love-birds circling over my head. I’m also terribly proud of myself
because I’ve taken ownership of my own areas that require improvement, and I’m
getting it done. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But the pride I feel for Mr. Right... that defies
description. His courage, his initiative, the love that he has for me, all of
it. I am without words. In the span of a few weeks he turned his situation
around completely and bettered himself, knowing that it would also have a great
and wonderful impact on our relationship. And best of all, he has not wavered!
My personal development fails in comparison to his, and I’m in awe of his
determination and self-awareness and his openness to improve. And I love him
all the more for it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In 23 days, Mr. Right will move in with me. Though we’ve
been living together for the past seven months, he’s been financially responsible
for a house in a neighbouring city. On May 31<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">st</span></sup>, all of his and L~’s
belongings will move in to my house and we will begin to share the financial
and emotional aspects of home ownership. I have never, ever lived with a man
before; I maintained a fierce independence through my twenties and into my
thirties, and through several serious relationships. Maybe I should be
scared... I honestly thought I would be! Instead, I’m excited and impatient and
looking forward to making this commitment to Mr. Right, and I can’t wait for
him to finally feel like this house that he’s been staying at for the past
seven months is, in fact, also his Home. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh, did I happen to mention that my every waking thought for
the past few weeks has revolved around BABIES?!? Yes, that lovely ode to Mr.
Right has been derailed by baby-fever. The baby-fever was inspired by the
lovely birth announcement that I received in the mail last week for my new
niece. As much as I enjoyed it, it was a bit of a knife to my gut, like a flag
waving in front of my face proclaiming <em>‘Nyah-Nyah you can’t have one!’</em> That night,
Mr. Right and I ran out of birth control. Yes, I could be typing this with
fingers that are attached to a body housing a miniscule developing egg right
now... though I doubt it. My control-freakish nature in conjunction with the
former plan to knock myself up required that I find out when I ovulate and keep
track. While I know that the possibility remains that I could in fact be
pregnant right this very moment, it’s highly unlikely. But knowing that there’s
even a 1% chance... well, that’s making it a little hard to deal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Mr. Right knew something was bothering me, so we had a talk
about it. He’s finding it hard to understand why I am having such a difficult
time putting my need for a child aside, why it upsets me; to him, the simple
fact that I KNOW it’s going to happen should be enough to give me patience.
Here’s the thing: everywhere I look, I see babies. So many women I know are
pregnant or have just given birth (including my sister and cousin!). I feel
like I’m surrounded by babies and a man who is capable of producing babies and
it’s no wonder I’m a basket case! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“It’s like being a Diabetic in a candy shop,” I told Mr.
Right. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“Or a man stranded at sea. Dying of thirst, surrounded by
salt water that he knows he can’t drink!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Last night I spent a good hour cuddling my new niece and
reveling in the feelings of having a little piece of me tucked safely in my
arms. <em>Indescribable. Bittersweet. Terrifying. Wonderful. Breathtaking.</em> And then
Mr. Right came home. If my heart could swell with tenderness and break at the
same time, it did. I watched as this 6’3” man, with his broad shoulders and
large hands whom my Grandfather proclaimed a ‘big son of a bitch’, cradled the
tiny baby in his arms and softly whispered to her while he rocked her gently. Gawd.
The cursor is blinking at me now, waiting for me to go on, and I find myself
unable to share what I felt in that moment. It was overwhelming need, happiness,
anticipation, incredible sadness, envy, want, misery, contentment, confusion...
all of this, all at once. Backed up by a chorus of ‘Why don’t I have this?!?’
at the back of my mind. When will this be mine? Will I ever have it? Why does
this have to hurt so much, why can’t I just feel all the good and wonderful
feelings instead of this mix of bliss and unhappiness??<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong><em>What is wrong with me??<o:p></o:p></em></strong></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I often ask myself: would I be willing to throw away the BC
tomorrow? If I’m 100% honest with myself and the internets, my only answer can
be that I don’t know. The logically thinking Tiffany believes that tomorrow
would be too soon; Mr. Right and I need a bit of time to continue to work on
our relationship and ensure that it’s as solid as possible before adding more
kids to the mix. But the need-driven, impatient, uncertain side of me argues
every time, leaving me feeling like a bundle of conflicting emotions that I
just can’t resolve. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Logical Tiffany: It’s too soon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Emotional Tiffany: SAYS WHO?!?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: He’s not ready.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: Will he EVER be ready? Hey here’s an idea... why don’t
you take the choice away from him and just accidentallydeliberately ‘let it
happen’ like he enjoys saying!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: Wow I am going to hell for thinking that.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: One little tiny sewing needle...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: Booking my seat next to the devil. Right now.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: Poke poke poke!!! C’mon, just do ONE.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: I’m an awful person. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: Okay fine, no holy condoms. I still say what the hell
are you waiting for??<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: Him.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: You’re waiting for Him. HIM. SERIOUSLY? Wow you are
awesome, waiting on a man to get what you want. Looks like Miz Independence has
given up her crown!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: He’s worth waiting for.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: Really? Is that what you’ll tell yourself twenty years
from now when you look back on your life and realize you gave up your biggest
dream for a man? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: That won’t happen. I just have to be patient. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: Patience is overrated. Get what you need, do whatever is
necessary to have your dream. That’s who you are.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: I’d prefer my dream to have this man in it.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: Yeah, well if you wait too long you’ll have the man and
no dream.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: Gawd I know. I’m so scared. What if he changes his mind?
What if he’s not ready six months from now, or a year from now? What if I wait
so long that my window of opportunity passes?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: What if it becomes a choice between Mr. Right and your
dream?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: I hate you sometimes. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: I’m right. You know I am.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: Umm-hmmm.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: Okay. Maybe. But for now, you’re just going to have to
let me win this one. For a little while. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: I hate you sometimes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: I know. But I’m right, you know I am. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
LT: Trust me. Just give it time. Trust me.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
ET: Fine. But if you fail me... I’m never talking to you
again.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m going to hell. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I'm being patient about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-66199237355008671882013-04-12T09:50:00.001-07:002013-04-12T09:53:23.094-07:00Move Over Barefoot Contessa!Remember how I said that I was going to start meal planning for the week? Last night was the first night to try out this new routine and it was moderately successful.<br />
<br />
I decided to try a new recipe to make this inaugural dinner a little more exciting. So I went to AllRecipes and found a recipe that looked good... and then I totally changed it up and made it my own. In the end it barely resembled the original recipe but was, I'm sure, both tastier and healthier! {I may be biased lol}<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NLvxNzDugjc/UWgx93mhyEI/AAAAAAAAADs/fqCuFzzjUrk/s1600/Food.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NLvxNzDugjc/UWgx93mhyEI/AAAAAAAAADs/fqCuFzzjUrk/s320/Food.jpg" width="238" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">OmNomNomNom!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<strong><u>Bean and Sausage Stew</u></strong><br />
1 Large Tomato<br />
1 Can Tomato Paste<br />
2 - 3 Carrots, sliced<br />
1 Celery Stalk, sliced thin<br />
Approx. 6 Italian Sausages (I used Turkey)<br />
1 Can Red Kidney Beans<br />
1 Can Black OR White Beans (the recipe asked for white, I used black but I think white would be good too)<br />
1 medium white onion or 3 - 4 chopped onions, chef's choice! (recipe called for white, I only had green onions so that's what I used and it turned out great)<br />
2 small cloves garlic, diced<br />
1 Tbsp Olive oil<br />
About 1/4 cup water<br />
About 1/4 cup dry red wine<br />
Pepper (to taste)<br />
Salt (Optional - to taste. The recipe called for it but I never add salt unless necessary; ie: if I'd used pork sausages I would've probably added a dash of salt)<br />
<br />
Method:<br />
Cook sausage in a small frying pan until cooked throughout and browned on the outside. In a large pot, sautee the onions, carrots and celery in olive oil until slightly softened. Add the garlic and sauteee for about another minute. <br />
<br />
Mix the water with the tomato paste and add to pot. Cut up the sausage and tomato into small chunks, and add to the pot of sautéing vegetables. Stir in the beans and red wine and season with pepper/salt. Lower heat and simmer for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Serve and enjoy :)<br />
~~<br />
<br />
I made a small pot of rice with mine to mix in because something about this stew just called for rice. But I did have a tiny bit of the stew on it's own, and it's worth eating either way. Lunch today is leftovers and I can't wait to eat them! So why, you might be asking, did I say that this was 'moderately successful'? Because of the prep time for this meal. Granted, I was making a salad and cleaning the kitchen at the same time, but what should've taken me about 10 minutes tops ended up being about triple that. In future I'll probably prep at least the veggies the prior day or else prepare the whole thing for the crockpot the following day.<br />
<br />
Tonight's meal: Sour Cream Pork Chops. Yet another recipe that I found online and plan to re-vamp. More on that to come!<br />
<br />
Now, a quick question for the internets: <br />
What do you do about a significant other who clearly has spending issues? Mr. Right is in pretty rough financial shape right now, and I'm seeing a side of him that I wasn't expecting; he doesn't think ahead in terms of money and it seems like he has very little self-control when it comes to spending. Last night he spent his last $10 on a pack of smokes and a pop, while he's going to be short of his expenses for the pay-period to the tune of several hundred dollars and is having to beg-borrow-and-steal to meet his financial obligations. I was severely disappointed in him and also very frustrated because... well, what am I supposed to think right now?? I've made arrangements in my budget to cover the expenses that he can no longer afford (like groceries!) until next month when he's expected to recover, and he's going out and spending money he DOESN'T have on something that isn't a necessity!! Do you think I'm being to harsh feeling this way? Or am I right to be feeling serious concerns about this? Thoughts and opinions are welcome!!!Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-69116393373805693152013-04-10T21:33:00.004-07:002013-04-10T21:44:25.469-07:00Good HousekeepingI’m a clean freak. A germophobe. A neat-nelly. I’ve been teased – and even accused – of being obsessive and freakish about the cleanliness and tidiness of my home. And I’m OK with that... I’d rather be accused of being too clean than the alternative.<br />
<br />
The alternative is someone like Mr. Right’s sister, D, who is an incredibly generous person but has a house worthy of that show “Hoarders”. It’s not just untidy – it’s filthy. Unhealthy and Disgusting. Mr. Right and I have spent the weekend at D’s house several times and each time it’s worse: my allergies go into full-blown killer hives mode, I’m afraid to touch anything in the bathroom, my socks come home almost black with dirt, and I spend pretty much the entire weekend with my skin crawling. I take pride in knowing that when people come and stay at my house, they appreciate the high hygienic standards and general orderliness of their environment without having to fear picking up some obscure disease.<br />
<br />
And if that’s not reason enough to inspire cleanliness... cleaning helps me relax. I clean when I’m bored, or when I’m stressing out about something and my Type A mind just. Can’t. Let it. GO. I clean when I am craving a cigarette so badly that I am tempted to light up a butt out of our old can (speaking of... I really need to empty that bad boy!). I clean when I just want a big old chocolate bar or I cannot take a poop (lately I’ve been so freaking constipated I could cry. I’m usually a one-a-day sort of girl without any pooping issues at all, and this is like trying to force what feels like a tennis ball out of my sphincter! Not that anybody cares and Wow I have really sunk to a new low, haven’t I??). My Mom introduced me to the therapeutic benefits of precision cleaning, though I’ll admit that at the time she was teaching me all about good housekeeping it certainly wasn’t restorative.<br />
<br />
I do, for the most part, follow a mental cleaning schedule based on the needs of my household in conjunction with my available time – I’m a busy, social person and I'm finding that, since beginning my new job and moving to a bigger, two-story house I've been struggling to keep up. I used to do the majority of my heavy housekeeping on the weekend, but I've decided to change it up and I've come up with a schedule that fits my needs. Here’s what my daily/weekly schedule - which now hangs on my fridge - looks like:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>The Spanxsterlish Schedule to Cleaning Perfection</b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<b>Daily Upkeep:</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Make beds</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Dishes/After Dinner Clean-up</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Everything in its place!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sweep kitchen floor</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
1 – 2 loads laundry</div>
<br />
<b>Mondays:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Clean bathroom (scrub & disinfect exterior and interior of toilet, sink, bathtub, door handles, light switch; polish mirror/faucets, quick mop of floor)</li>
</ul>
<b>Tuesdays:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Clean out cat litter</li>
<li>Dust and clean windows/mirrors</li>
</ul>
<b>Wednesday:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Vacuum</li>
<li>Quick mop of kitchen floor</li>
</ul>
<b>Thursday:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Clean out cat litter</li>
<li>Deep clean kitchen (wipe cupboard doors and handles, sanitize sink and countertops, wipe fridge shelves, purge any items in fridge that have spoiled*, take quick inventory of pantry/fridge and note any items required on grocery list)</li>
</ul>
<b>Friday:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Dust and clean windows/mirrors</li>
<li>Tidy front entrance</li>
</ul>
<b>Saturday:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Strip beds and wash linens as well as any remaining laundry for the week</li>
<li>Clean out cat litter</li>
<li>Update new weekly Dinner Meal Plan (I'm going to create my first meal plan for the week on Saturday)</li>
<li>Run any required errands, including trip to grocery store for weekly meals (I used to shop bi-weekly and I may eventually return to that, but for now I'm going to do a weekly menu to get into the swing of things)</li>
</ul>
<b>Sunday:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Vacuum</li>
<li>Hand-wash kitchen/bathroom floors</li>
</ul>
It's a fairly simple schedule; nothing too time intensive and the minimum required to keep the house spic and span. Every night I do a quick run-through before bed that I call <i>"Everything in its place"</i>. It's basically just a quick tidy of any items that have been left sitting around the house instead of in their designated area(s). I will continue doing this, but I think that this schedule allows for more efficient use of my time while cleaning.<br />
<br />
Speaking of time management, I stumbled on this awesome app called <a href="http://www.cozi.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Cozi</a> - it's an online calendar/meal planner/grocery and to do list that I can access on the computer or on my iPhone. I am in love with this thing!! Mr. Right also has it on his Android, and our apps access shared calendars/planners and we can message each other on Cozi and notify each other of appointments and the like. It's even got a recipe box linked to the meal planner! I love technology that helps me to stay organized and this is definitely one of my favourites. I've been using the free version for about a week, but I love it so much that I'll probably end up spending $25 to upgrade to the Gold version. <br />
<br />
How do you stay organized both with your housework and life in general?Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-30226105555790765892013-04-09T09:01:00.001-07:002013-04-09T09:44:08.697-07:00The Queen of DramaOK, so I overreacted. <br />
<br />
<em>{I'm starting to understand why nobody reads this blog. I kinda suck lately, with all the melodrama and the histrionics!}</em><br />
<br />
Last night Mr. Right told me that he's not in the greatest shape financially and he's pretty well mired in the now, and the stress that comes with money troubles. You see, at the end of January Mr. Right got out of the military, and due to some timing issues (this blog isn't about Mr. Right's finances so I won't go into detail) his overhead is killing him right now. Yes, I was a little irked that he didn't take advantage of his ACCOUNTANT girlfriend to help him recover (since everything is about me after all... yeah that was self-directed sarcasm) and help prevent him from getting himself into this situation. <br />
<br />
So last night we sat and talked about how he's feeling and dealing right now, and then I put my skills to good use and helped him create a budget and a plan. <em>[On a related note: I'm always surprised at how many adults I know who don't have the proper technical skills to manage their finances. It should be a required course in high school I think!!]</em> And for now, we've tabled the babies discussion until he's in a better position and so he can focus on getting back on track without additional worries.<br />
<br />
As for me, I won't say it's going to be easy to stuff all the BABYNOW!!! feelings down again for a few months, but it's what needs to be done. In the meantime, I'm moving my focus to the household to whip things into shape and set a good standard Before he and I start sharing financial obligations. And because its fun!<br />
<br />
<strong><u>The Mi Casa Es Solvent Casa Plan:</u></strong><br />
<ol>
<li>Meal Planning: I find myself getting home around 5:30 every evening and standing in front of the freezer staring morosely into it's depths. We often don't eat dinner until 8 pm. It's driving me nuts! So this weekend I'm going to put together a meal planning binder. I'm super excited about this! </li>
<li>I'm a neat-freak. And a germophobe. And lately I have been struggling with finding the time and energy for house work. So this weekend I'm also going to be creating a house work schedule. I cannot wait!</li>
</ol>
<br />
Get ready for many boring updates on recipes and meals and the benefits of cleaning ceramic-top stoves with Vinegar!! My life is so full if excitement haha.Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-45267801263425426032013-04-08T15:02:00.001-07:002013-04-08T15:06:45.353-07:00Well... Shit<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ever feel like you’ve stepped in dog poop before shoving
your foot in your mouth?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Mm-hmmm. True story. See, apparently I jumped the gun in
posting yesterday’s post about the epic baby-making plan that was planned Two
Months ago (!).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Because Mr. Right is apparently having second thoughts. Fuck
My Life. Seriously.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Last night Mr. Right came to bed to find his girlfriend
naked and reading <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13838682-the-mother-of-all-pregnancy-books" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Mother of All Pregnancy Books</a>. He said nothing at first,
until I had to share a very interesting fact from the book about how breastfed
babies have significantly fewer doctor/hospital visits than formula-fed babies
do. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JI2sd3-X3Ms/UWM-Mx7b6oI/AAAAAAAAADc/2kBxy2Lva20/s1600/13838682.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JI2sd3-X3Ms/UWM-Mx7b6oI/AAAAAAAAADc/2kBxy2Lva20/s200/13838682.jpg" width="128" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So Far I'm Liking It!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">‘Why are you reading that?’<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">‘I like to be as educated as possible about big life
decisions like this!’ Honestly, Mr. Right knows that I’m insane about planning
and that I investigate every option and possible issue when I’m getting ready
to do something. We’ve had parenting discussions. We’ve talked about my future
career options and how we’d like two children. I’ve poured my heart out to him
about my age fears (I’ll be 33 in July) and the fact that I’m already high risk
(I have Type 1 Diabetes, which is an auto-immune disorder and unfortunately can
make for truly horrific pregnancies). We decided Two Months Ago that we would
start trying once he’d officially moved in!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Silence. For about 30 seconds he didn’t say a word, and
then:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">‘I don’t think we’re ready for that yet.’<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He couldn’t have hurt me more if he’d pushed his big
man-hands into my chest and ripped my heart out. He changed his mind, Just Like
That, and there goes my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We talked about it, for 4 long hours. He admitted to me that
for the past month he’s felt like I’ve changed quite a bit; I’m less
affectionate, easily irritated, and distant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">‘Okay, that’s fair... but I quit smoking a month ago!’ I
pointed out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yes, in anticipation of baby-making I finally quit smoking;
it’s been a month today. I used the patch for about 2.5 weeks and then went
cold turkey, so I’m understandably irritable and stressed out and tired and and
and. And definitely not patient enough to basically have him tell me that he
didn’t have the sympathy and understanding for what I’m going through because I
QUIT FREAKING SMOKING. I almost lost it... but Mr. Right and I have been
working hard at communicating with each other in healthy and effective ways...
so I didn’t snap. I simply told him that the past month has been very difficult
for me, but it is getting better every day and it helps me a lot to have his
understanding of what I’m going through in order to be healthier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It was clear that he didn’t really understand when he just
kept reiterating how he’s not felt loved for the past month, and I told him
that if he feels this way than this is something that needs to be fixed before he
moves in with me. It was a frustrating part of the conversation; he said that
he knows we’ll work it out, so why wouldn’t we move together? I countered that,
by his logic, we then shouldn’t have any problem getting on with the
baby-making in June like we’d originally planned. After all, we have two months
to fix these problems before we move in together; we have Nine plus months
after that to deal with any other relationship problems we may have. So we made
a plan to work on making this aspect of our relationship better; we have
stopped having date night in the past few months and since I moved from the
sleepy little town I grew up in to the big, bustling city, we’ve both missed
the little things that we used to do back in the old town. Like getting a
coffee at Timmy’s and driving two minutes to the river where we’d sit and talk
and hold hands for hours at a time. Or walking out the front door of my old
house, across the street to the large high school field where he’d toss balls
for Mollie and both of us would laugh at her ridiculous antics. The simple
little things that brought us so much closer to each other. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He wants to wait until September. I told him that I’m not
okay with that – I’ll be 33 in July, and the longer we wait the more this
becomes like a game of baby Russian Roulette. More importantly, the older I
get, the higher the chances are that I will have a pregnancy that is not
healthy for either myself or any potential children. He ignored that and then
went on to detail Every Other Reason he could possibly think of as to why we
aren’t ready to have kids (we need to live together and commit to each other
first; we should pay bills together for a while; get our savings accounts built
back up and some more debt paid off before trying; be more affectionate with
each other first; he’d like us to be common-law first; blah blah blah). I
listened, and countered with every logical argument that I could: We’ve lived
together for SEVEN months. He and L~ stay at my house exclusively, and I
committed to him 100% when we were past the honeymoon phase and came out of it
still in love with each other. We already decided that we’re not sharing finances
in terms of bank accounts or vehicle titles or who owns my house (that will
always be me – we both agreed a long time ago that what we come into the
relationship with is our own), so his paying half the bills every month can
only have positive outcomes for both of us (unless he’s planning on defaulting,
which he assured me he’s not). Pregnancy does not mean that our savings
accounts and debt will suddenly not ever be paid again! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What I heard under the smoke screen of all that scares me a
little. I know that men typically don’t view children the same as women do; to
women, future children are almost tangible, while men don’t view them as
anything remotely real until they’re actually sitting in the delivery room
holding the little bundle of joy. But I wasn’t hearing that when Mr. Right and
I talked last night... what it sounded like he was saying to me is that he’s
getting cold feet and possibly changing his mind about having more children. I
know that his life will still be complete even if he never has another child –
he’s got his boy. Mine, however, will not, and now I find myself in the dubious
position of worrying about his desire to Ever have children with me. Let’s say
I say, OK honey, we’ll put this aside for now and not discuss it again until
September. Then September rolls around and I find myself facing more excuses,
more reasons that we aren’t ready to have children. Meanwhile I’m Five Months
closer to 35 and Five Months further away to something that I need as much as
air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Right now I don’t know what to do. Do I let him have this
time, do I compromise and tell him that a mid-way point between both our dates
that I’m OK with is the beginning of July so let’s just work on us for now, and
revisit the topic of babies then? Or am I staring in the face of something that
I’m just not seeing... something that I might regret horribly a few months from
now when he admits that he just doesn’t want children... after we’ve moved in
together. Because as awful as it sounds, as much as I love him, if Mr. Right doesn't truly want to have children with me then he and I are not right for each other. It would be harder than any decision I've ever made in my life, but I will make that call.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Please just tell me honestly: am I overreacting? Am I just succumbing to the side of myself that has to
worry obsessively about EVERYthing and truly rushing into something that he
just needs a little more time to get ready for??? Or is this a big old red flag that I need to pay attention to??<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Gawd. Where is Dear Abby when I need her?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">~~</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Edited to Add: There's a very small possibility that I might be preggers right now. We didn't use contraception during the tail-end of my period last month - I have a 32 day cycle so the chances of my ovulating then is next to nil. Except I've been exhibiting some very early pregnancy symptoms for the past week that are scaring me a little bit after his revelation last night. And it's too early for a test. I'm a basket-case right now, seriously.</span></div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-87691371312850308842013-04-07T02:26:00.001-07:002013-04-07T02:26:42.717-07:00Two Months...54 Days...What Feels Like a Lifetime<div class="MsoNormal">
Well it's been a while, hasn't it?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'd like to say I've been MIA from blogging because I was off traveling the world and seeing the Eiffel Tower and being romanced in Italy by Mr. Right, but... well, the past few months...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hmm. I get a little stuck at trying to describe the
latter portion of 2012 and 2013 so far. So much has happened, it’s
difficult to find one word that can easily describe the changes my life
has undergone over the past 4 months. I suppose
it’s easiest to start at the beginning...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mid-December was marked by one of the most shocking
events in my life: I was laid off. A mere two weeks before Christmas my
prior employers handed me a paycheque for 2 weeks of severance and
walked me out the door for no reason other than
that my new boss and one of the owners did not like me. I was a remnant
of the previous Controller; he and I had rocked the boat by questioning
several of their financial procedures, and after they pushed him out I
was promised that there would be no negative
effect to my position. Four months later they made liars of that
statement and sent me on my way, without even allowing me to say my
goodbyes to the department that I managed. It was an unjust dismissal
and for about two weeks I debated taking action against
it, even going so far as to talk to my lawyer about the situation and
my options. In the end, I decided that the emotional and financial
stress and the potential of a fight that could drag on for months (or
even years!) was not worth it, and I let it go. It
hurt, on a level that I find completely indescribable; I was a star
performer and had worked my ass off improving many areas of the company,
only to be humiliated and treated with a disregard that belittled every
one of my accomplishments and the many hours
of service I invested in a company I believed in. It still stings. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was employed by the next business day, and I like
to think that what happened happened for a very good reason, because my
new job is a significant move upward in both title, responsibility and
salary. I signed a disclaimer with my new
place of employment, so I can’t say much... but what I can say is that
I’m exceedingly happy with this new opportunity and the learning
experiences, exposure and challenge that it’s giving me. I have the
option of working overtime, rather than it just being
expected, and for once I’m finding a balance between work and home.
It’s wonderful and satisfying on every level that I appreciate about a
job.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unfortunately the effects of being laid off were
felt – I didn’t start my new job until January, and I’d been working to
recover from the unexpectedly high closing costs of my house purchase, a
new furnace installation, and a few other
unforeseen expenses. I had to stretch two weeks of severance into
four over the Christmas holidays, and in spite of my accounting
background and natural tendency to scrooge out, it still hit me in the
pocketbook. I’m not poor and I’m not struggling, but
I’m one of those people who needs an emergency fund that’s equivalent
to two months salary. As a result, I’ve put myself on a strict budget
which I’ve vowed to follow to the last cent, with the goal of building
my savings back up to pre-house-purchase balance
plus. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It will be easier come May 31<sup>st</sup>, when Mr.
Right will officially move in. Two months from now and I will be making
a commitment that I’ve never made to any man before – sharing finances
and all of the things that I’ve avoided previously.
A little part of me wishes I’d been a little less fierce about my
independence; I am so set in my ways from having lived on my own for
so long, that I’m finding it hard to adjust to having someone around All
The Time. Mr. Right and I have a lot in common,
but there are a few significant personality differences that create a
challenge, particularly in our living together. He is as Type B as they
come; his easygoing nature tends to nicely work against my uber-Type A
personality... except when we clash. It’s most
noticeable in our financial management and housekeeping skills, oddly
enough; I’m a ‘deal with it nownowNOW’ and he’s more: ‘It’s nothing to
panic about, worry about it later’. I tend to hyper-stress and
over-react about things, but I Get Them Done fast and
properly, whereas he is calm and collected but tends to procrastinate
and defer to others. He's a spender, I'm freaking Scrooge incarnate! He's also wasteful in ways that make me cringe. Add to the mix my red-headed temper and his dislike
of confrontation, and there’s a melting-pot of potential communication
issues that we continue to work through. What’s
important is that we ARE working through them. And there’s a lot of
value in knowing that we are identifying and solving the challenges of
living together, since he’s been staying with me permanently for over 6
months now. Mr. Right has taken care of business and though we still have our challenges (mostly involving ex-nonwife and trying to stepcouple together - a future post, for sure) and we are still in love and planning
for the future.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Which brings me to the end result (hopefully!) and our near-future goal: a baby. (SQUEEEE!)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a lot of discussion and planning and thought,
Mr. Right and I have decided that, in June, we’ll be throwing out the
condoms. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how overwhelmingly exciting
this is for me – in a mere 2 months, we might
be pregnant. 2 months from now. 54 days. I could be a Mommy-To-Be by my
33<sup>rd</sup> birthday. Though it’s extremely difficult to wait (even
if it’s only 54 days!), the rational side of me knows that this time
can be used to better position and prepare
us for pregnancy and eventually a new baby.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That also means that I’m having to be patient...
which as you probably now know given my personality, is REALLY not easy
for me. When I make up my mind to do something, I do it NOW. Add to the
mix my post-30 time bomb hormones on top of
the fact that I’ve been waiting for this for 14 years and my worries
about potential fertility issues with each passing year... le sigh. I do
not do waiting well.
<span lang="EN-US">One of the things I did when I started the process
for being a SMC was to plan ahead and educate myself as much as
possible. On EVERYthing, from the process itself to financial planning
to maternity options etcetera etcetera. I started buying
cloth diapers and stockpiling various necessities, and I created a
detailed budget and researched infant development and car seats and
homemade baby food. All of this made me feel empowered, and also helped
to provide me with a goal to work towards while I
waited for the day that I would start trying to conceive. Ultimately,
what it gave me was patience.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’ll even admit that I’ve become
a little obsessed with planning. When I become preoccupied thinking
about the next two months, I focus instead on the preparation that most
people think about during pregnancy… like the nursery.
I’ve picked some colours that I like; a soft, subtle yellow with
accents of mint green and maybe a few grey or red items to pop. Gender
neutral, since I don’t want to know whether it’s a girl or boy
beforehand. When I bought the house, I mentally designated
the back spare bedroom as the future nursery, <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-giiBsvFR72k/UWEvq4siCNI/AAAAAAAAADM/LCTeq7evvlg/s1600/Nursery...+Some+Day+Soon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-giiBsvFR72k/UWEvq4siCNI/AAAAAAAAADM/LCTeq7evvlg/s1600/Nursery...+Some+Day+Soon.jpg" title="Nursery Pic" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wouldn't this be an awesome nursery?</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
due to its south-facing
window and the wonderful light that shines in, even in the winter. Right
now this is the guest room, and the most use it sees is when L~ stays
with us on weekends. So I’ve started doing
some organizing and moving items from the future nursery to the
office/library, which will eventually also host a sleeping area for
L~-slash-guest bed. I’ve been trying to brainstorm ideas as to how to
fit all of my books (I have 3 large shelves in the office/library
right now, with 4 more boxes of books waiting to be unpacked in the
closet and two shelves on the main floor with the rest of the books) in
the 3<sup>rd</sup> bedroom with my computer desk and something for L~
and guests to sleep on. My second and third bedrooms
are not huge; they’re not tiny, but they’re the typical,
townhouse-sized spare rooms better suited as children’s bedrooms. Do you
know how hard it is to find decorating/organizational ideas for a
situation like this?? Until we have our second child, I want
to be able to utilize the available space as much as possible since
realty is at a premium in my house; L~ is only with us for a total of
about 25% of the year, so I can’t justify having a room dedicated for
his exclusive use and thereby not being used for
75% of the time! But how do I fit all of the furniture required to
combine an office, a library and a sleeping area in this one room? Since
I have quite a bit of time to work this out, I’m not too worried,
though I’d like to have a workable solution sooner
rather than later. I’m debating buying one of those chair beds from
Ikea – they’re a single sleeper, but unlike a futon or daybed they fold
up into a compact chair with a much smaller footprint. My only concern
with that option is the idea that this isn’t
really a bed per se… and Mr. Right might object to this arrangement,
given that he maintains that he’d like L~ to have his own room. We’ve
discussed this in the past, and I’ve pointed out that my <1100 square
foot home just isn’t big enough for any area not
to be completely usable 100% of the time; he’s agreed and has no issue
so long as L~ has a space of his own for the most part. But Mr. Right
may feel that a chair bed isn’t an appropriate sleeping arrangement for
his son, so that will be a consideration when
the time comes as well. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">But enough of that; back to my
extensive baby plans. I’ve looked at cribs and have a better idea of
what sort I prefer (either white or dark wood and convertible to a
toddler bed), and I have a rattan rocking chair –
one of my favourite pieces of furniture – that would be practical,
functional and comfortable in a nursery! Mint green drapes over the
window, maybe a few decals on the walls. I have never liked the
traditional change tables, and I’d rather not have a dresser
in there. I plan to use this gorgeous buffet table that I own, which
has cupboards with shelves inside and is solidly built, and have Mr.
Right build a frame for a change table on top and then use a basket
system inside to store diapers/clothing/etc. The closet
is huge, and I plan to put an organizer in there in place of a dresser;
I’d like one of the ones with drawers and shelves, so that it’s
multi-functional. I want Lots of wall shelves and TONS of pictures on
the walls. When I was younger I was quite the artist
– I might even frame some of my own art and put it in the baby’s room!
And since I’m handy with a camera as well… lots of pictures. Framed pics
of Mommy and Daddy and baby, Mollie and baby, L~ and baby. Possibly
with some lovely quotes or poems photoshopped
in. Fortunately I have a very good photo printer so I can do all this
for super cheap! Though money isn’t really a concern, I have seen
financially solvent friends have relationship issues after having
children, in part because they just spent too much on
baby. And when it comes down to it, I’m a dyed-in-the-wool tightwad.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Then there are the things I’d
like to splurge on, like a bassinet for beside the bed for the first few
months – my sister bought a lovely one off of kijiji for a whopping
$40! I plan to try some co-sleeping (I’ve done
tons of research on the pros and cons of this, but since I have no
personal experience yet I’ll stop there) and I also want to breastfeed,
so I think that this will be a must. Is a breast pump a must too? So far
the research I’ve done on breast pumps makes
it look like a split decision; half say it’s required, half say it’s a
waste of money. Majority rules that the best is an automatic pump, not a
manual one, which is a pretty significant expense, especially for a
good quality pump. Since I think it’s very important
for Mr. Right to have the opportunity to bond with baby over feedings, I
have a Medela breastpump in the budget – a double, which retails at
about $350 but I’ve heard is totally worth it. Mr. Right likes the
portable infant car seats, so we’ll have to buy
one for the truck and I’ll make him carry it everywhere we go… I,
personally, do not enjoy those things and would much rather be a
baby-wearing mama. That’s next on my list to research, along with
convertible car seats for my car, so that it can grow with
the baby from infant to toddler. Since I walk a lot, a good stroller
will also be a must. And as much as I would love a Bugaboo, I just can’t
justify spending over $800 on a seat with wheels! (I covet the Bugaboo
Chameleon and would cross my fingers that it
may someday end up as a shower gift!) A swing is in the budget
(possibly used, since these are outgrown SO fast!) as well as a high
chair (something light, compact and fold-able since my dining room
doesn’t have a lot of extra space).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The cloth diaper stash needs to
be worked on as well. Right now I have a dozen newborn prefolds, two
Bummis SuperBrite diaper covers, and a MotherEase newborn fitted cloth
diaper paired with a ridiculously cute newborn
MEAF cover. I plan to buy a few AIO's and pocket's to try. I also want
a few of the Fuzzibunz One Size Elite, which are adjustable from NB to
potty training, and best of all actually has replaceable parts! 6 of
these would be nice, but at least 4 to start. Happily Mr. Right isn’t
against cloth diapering (I’ve read on diapering
boards that a lot of men are), but I’d like to have a decent stash of
pockets/fitteds to make the process easier on him (I’ve used pre-folds
with babies during my time as a nanny) and grandparents/aunts/uncles
that may be involved in diaper changes. Since
I use cloth menstrual pads, I’m not worried about travel or laundering
and am already experienced on stain removal/washing and drying
techniques/etc. I have a wet bag that I purchased for my pads, but then I
switched to a soaking pot so I’ll probably use the
bag for diaper changes on outings. Cloth bum wipes are a must too, and I
may make some with extra fleece that I bought when I was making my own
menstrual pads. Lots of stuff to keep me busy!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Two months. January and February flew by, but somehow when I let my thoughts linger
on it, the time between now and June seems sooooooooo long. I’ll be 33
in July… I was supposed to start trying to
conceive when I turned 32, and now here I am, already some 8 months
past that goal date. Having to wait for almost 3 more months before we
can even start trying. I’m terrified that I may be infertile; I’ve got
endometriosis and Type 1 Diabetes and an extra
30 pounds on my frame (which I’m determined to and working on losing!). But I won’t
know that until we start trying, and the thought of the next two
months possibly being the straw that breaks the camel’s back… the
threshold of time that pushes me over into infertility…
I’m being paranoid. I know that. I can’t help it. I think about it, and
I have to tell myself to just let it go, I can’t control everything.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">So until June I’ll keep
imagining my future, my life complete with beautiful babies with their father’s blue eyes and
my curly red hair. Hopefully they get his height and my hair
line; my brain and his physical aptitude; my dancing
feet and his ability to deliver perfect one-liners. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-US">Some day... soon...</span></div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-69979465073070197992012-12-07T11:14:00.000-08:002012-12-07T11:14:27.888-08:00Foolish Trust<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s been a bit of a rough week.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Several days ago, Mr. Right decided that he wanted to switch
cell phone carriers because the service with mine was better. So we bundled up
and headed off to our local Best Buy, teasing each other about our shared cold
and holding hands as we are wont to do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our general state together is happiness; the day prior, we’d
been discussing marriage. It had been inspired by BFF, whose mr. right has
indicated that he’d like to get married next year (though he has yet to
propose, since he knows her reservations about weddings). I’ve had very
life-altering changes to my thoughts about marriage over the past year, thanks
to my Grandparents and Mr. Right himself, and I told him so. Mr. Right wants to
marry me. You can imagine how light my head was in the clouds after that lovely
conversation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fast forward to the following night: we’re sitting in the
Best Buy while the clerk searches for Mr. Right’s old account.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘You have a mobility account???’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Yep,’ was his only response. He tells the clerk that he
doesn’t know the postal code or the account number, and I hand my iPhone over
to him so that he can log into his online account to retrieve the details. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘The postal code on this account is --- ---‘ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not stupid. As a child, I was tested with a genius level
IQ. I have a photographic memory and an extremely analytical mind. So it took
less than the blink of an eye for me to connect said postal code with the city
that ex-nonwife lives in. Which she just moved to some three months ago. Where
she still has a cell phone contract under Mr. Right’s name.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Normally this would not be an epic, tantrum-worthy issue.
But here’s the thing: Mr. Right lied to me about it. Also, they split almost two
years ago. And lastly, it’s not just the cell phone account… it’s also the
joint bank account that they still share and the vehicles that they have in
each other’s names. And maybe, most importantly, the fact that ex-nonwife still
hasn’t gotten over Mr. Right.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Two years, and none of this shit has been resolved. Back when
Mr. Right and I decided that we wanted to live together, I told him right up
front that he would have to be completely uninvolved with ex-nonwife, except
for connections required due to L~. Which, in my mind, is child support,
co-parenting decisions, and legal custody agreements. Mr. Right agreed, and
promised me that everything would be in order by May 2013, which is when his
lease is up on his house. We have discussed this several times since, and each
time the only thing that he told me about was the vehicles and the joint bank
account. So you can imagine my surprise when I learned that ex-nonwife has been
using his cell phone account for 2 years, and I had to learn about it while
sitting on an ass-bruising wooden bench in a big-box electronics store.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Awesome.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My m.a.d. was ON. Just like that, I went from Cloud 9 to wanting
to tell him to take ex-nonwife’s phone and shove it. WWI started as soon as we
got into the truck; I lambasted him. Normally when I’m fighting with someone, I
turn calm and cool and suddenly have epic control over myself. I listened to
him tell me that he never lied to me… that he just hadn’t remembered that
ex-nonwife was under his account. I countered by saying that a lie by omission is
still a lie. He told me repeatedly that there was nothing he could do about it,
that he didn’t understand why it was such a big deal, it’s just a cell phone
for christ’s sake!, and I calmly informed him that I didn’t appreciate that BS
and that if he really wanted to move forward with me, he would start taking
action and resolving these outstanding issues with ex-nonwife. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘You want me to just cut all ties with her. It’s not that
easy. You want me to hate her!’ he told me. I think I actually sputtered at
that; I helped her get a fucking job when she decided that she wanted to change
careers and up and quit only to be unemployed for 3 months. Her son is in my
house every fucking weekend. I think she’s a horrible mother and a lazy, irresponsible,
co-dependent whiner, but I want what’s best for L~, which is his parents
getting along. I don’t want Mr. Right to hate her, I just want him to be
appropriately uninvolved and invested in moving forward with me. I want our
future to be more important to him than his past. That’s not too much to ask,
is it?? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He said some awful things to me, and I ended up almost
kicking him out of the house. That sounds horribly dramatic, doesn’t it? I
replay it in my head now, and I’m amazed that I didn’t tell him to leave. Had
he not instantly apologized for what he said, I would probably be blogging from
singledom again right now. I’m not one to take much crap from people, whether I
love them or not, but I do know that a good majority of the population says
things in the heat of the moment that they don’t mean. I grew up with two
sisters who, during any fights, would simply point their verbal cannons and
fire at random, intent on racking up as much emotional destruction as possible.
But we’d always come out the other side still loving each other, still sisters.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The wound is still there, and my trust in him has been
damaged. When the smoke cleared, Mr. Right promised that he would have
ex-nonwife removed from his cell phone account and that he would take care of
the joint bank account by the end of the year as well. I’ll admit that I have a
hard time believing him, even though he’s already opened up a new bank account
and is working on having everything transferred over. As of yesterday, he still
hasn’t told her that she needs to get her own cell phone account and the
vehicle issue will remain for another few months while Mr. Right gets the funds
in place to pay off his truck loan and she gets rid of the car. I’m giving him
a lot of leeway… more than I’ve ever given to any man, and I find myself
wondering if my gut is telling me something that I’m not listening to. I love
this man, like I’ve never loved anyone before, and I worry that it’s making me
blind. I know that he loves me equally, there is no question in that. But I
think… if I’d known a year ago what I know now, I likely would not have gotten
involved with Mr. Right. And then I would’ve missed out on a year of wonderful,
of loving, of laughing and enjoying each other in every possible way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But a relationship is built on trust, isn’t it? I worry now
what else Mr. Right is keeping from me…and unfortunately had to confront him
yesterday about one such thing. You see, this past weekend he came home with a
Walmart envelope containing L~’s school pictures. I commented that I didn’t
realize that Walmart took school photos, and Mr. Right told me that ex-nonwife
had just put them in a Walmart envelope because she had other pictures to give
him, as well. My radar flagged at that one, and sirens went off when he didn’t
dig back into the envelope to show me the rest of the pictures. So later, while
he was outside shoveling the walk, I opened up the envelope to have a peek at
the other pictures. There were none. What there was, was a Christmas card made
out to Mr. Right and signed “love L~/ex-nonwife”. Love. Fuck. At the time I
stuffed it back in the lockbox in the deep recesses of my mind, telling myself it
wasn’t a big deal. And then I went online and did some googling with just one
thing: ex-nonwife’s name. I’m sure that you now must think that I’m a psycho,
obsessive girlfriend; I might even agree with you and want to slap myself for
it. But what I found online simply backed up my suspicions; ex-nonwife still
isn’t over Mr. Right. It’s probable that her continuing dependence on him is a manipulation
tactic. Mr. Right is a big, intimidating marshmallow who has a weakness for
helpless females… which I’m not. I am, however, a female who knows how women
get over men and I think all women can pretty well spot the tactics that other
women use to hang on to guys after a break up. She implies intimacy with him on
public forums like facebook by posting vague, teasing comments about Mr. Right’s
life that are not yet common knowledge. She has an excuse, every night, to keep
him on the phone talking about non-L~ related things. Her social media pages
contain multiple quotes or updates that speak about how she’ll always love him
and that sort of pathetic, clingy, can’t-get-over-you shit that I absolutely
detest. Six months after he left her, ex-nonwife asked him to try again (he refused).
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I wasn’t upset so much about how she signed that
Christmas card; instead it was Mr. Right’s need to hide it from me that was the
problem. When I called him on it, he told me that he thought I would’ve been
mad because she signed it ‘love’. I pointed out to him that, though I wasn’t
particularly happy with that, what’s more important is that HE recognized that
it was inappropriate and proceeded to hide it from me. Once again, he betrayed
my trust in him and kept something from me. What else is he hiding? My sister pointed
out that he probably feels stuck between a rock and ex-nonwife, and that he
likely doesn’t want to rock the boat because of L~. And, unfortunately, one of
the biggest differences between Mr. Right and I is that he’s extremely laid
back, while I’m an aggressive go-getter. So how I react to things tends to be
very different from how Mr. Right reacts. What I consider a big deal isn’t
necessarily that for him.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where we stand now, I’m not entirely sure. I know that I
love him, but I don’t trust him anymore. I’m willing to let him win back my
trust but my cynical side says that the chances of that happening are low. I don’t
trust him to keep his promises anymore. I worry about what else he’s hiding from
me and what he’ll keep from me in the future. I also worry that his lack of
action with ex-nonwife and separating the things that they share is indicative
of a larger issue, that it might very well be his way of hanging on to the past
and that he hasn’t moved on from her yet. He still sleeps with me every night,
still tells me how much he loves me multiple times a day and holds my hand and
rubs my bum. I’ve decided to just let things happen for now (which is difficult
for me since I’m not comfortable with inaction), and take action after the
holidays. I’ve been thinking that we need some time apart, some space; we’ve
moved quickly and sometimes I worry that everything has just happened a little
bit too easily for him. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe I’m a fool, it’s quite possible that I’m not seeing
what’s right in front of my face. I guess love makes fools of us all in the
end, doesn’t it?</div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-18376737220314600042012-11-27T14:31:00.001-08:002012-11-27T14:31:55.695-08:00Nothing Except YES<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everything was a little hazy, like peering through a window
that had been fogged over. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘It’s not a big deal… yet,’ I told myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was 4 days late. Since my periods have never even
resembled anything besides utter chaos, this wasn’t much cause for concern.
Except for that night several weeks before, when he’d been drinking spiced rum
and pepsi and I’d had two peach coolers, and he’d cornered me in the bathroom.
Up against the wall, clothing torn off or shoved aside, both of us greedy for
the taste of the other, his hands roaming and my nails digging and
OHGODOHGODOHGOD OHYESYESYES!!! Amidst the panting, while my body absorbed his,
came the realization that we’d been skin to skin and in his inebriated state he’d
failed to pull out and oh god it had felt so good. Oh god. OH GOD. Oh shit. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Oh SHIT!’ At my exclamation he looked down quizzically,
still weak from pleasure and all good-sex-fried-brain-ish. I moved, shifted
slightly, and the light came on. Silence.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I won’t be easy to knock up,’ I told him frantically. Those
words resounded in my head weeks later, standing in the bathroom with a pink
box in my hand that claimed the ability to detect pregnancy sooner. I’d decided
to do this in secret, since it was still early and this pee would be for my
piece of mind. My hands shook – Ick. I washed up with my head turned to the
side as the clock counted down: I wouldn’t look, I wouldn’t look, I wouldn’t
look. Except I had to look, didn’t I?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>YES</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Holy fuck. Ohmygod. OHMYGOD. Yes. YESYESYES!!! Oh… oh jeezus
I can’t breathe and I’mknockedup and I’m going to faint holycrapI’mpregnant
FINALLY oh fuck I need to sit down!!! I’m going to have a baby. I’m going to
have a baby. Why am I crying? I’m going to have a baby!!!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>YES!</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He was on his way home, and I knew this would be one of the hardest
things I’d ever done. How exactly do you tell the man who loves you that you’re
accidentally pregnant? Serve him up the pee-stick for dinner? Surprise!! Guess
what babe: your swimmers are Olympic champs! Big pat on the back for you!! Time
to boast to all your buddies. You got me on the first shot, proved my OB/GYN
wrong and… endo, what endo?? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I met him at the door trembling, excitement dampened by
dread. Words tumbled around in my head, and I couldn’t look him in the eyes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I have something to tell you.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘What’s wrong baby?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pause. Deep breaths. I struggled to find the right words,
wished that I could soften the blow, hoped desperately that he’d not be upset
or angry or disappointed. I had nothing. Nothing but the white plastic stick
still clenched in my fist, nothing but the word YES. I reached out blindly and
offered the burden to him, silently begging him to share it with me. He looked
at my hand quizzically, met my eyes, looked back down at my hand. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘What… ?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘It said YES. I’m so sorry honey. It said YES.’ I didn’t
know why I was apologizing, I wasn’t sorry, was I? Hell I hadn’t slammed myself
up against that bathroom wall and gone after my body like I was a starving man
at a buffet. Sure, I’d willingly participated. Sure, I hadn’t told him to put a
raincoat on. I hadn’t said no. But he’d been right there with me, urging things
on and we’re both old enough to know better. Both. Of. Us. I felt anger boil up
deep inside of me. Why was he just staring at my hand? What happened to the man
who, almost a month ago, told me that everything would be OK, that we’d do it
together, that we’re together and everything will be fine?? Mr. Right my ass.
In ten seconds, he’s going to get this thing shoved up his-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Is that what I think it is?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yep. One pee-stick enema coming right up!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘You’re pregnant.’ Deadpan. No inflection in his voice; no
excitement or even dread. Screw that, it’s going to be insert pee-stick A into
idiot-stick B instead! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Ah, baby,’ he said, and he reached out and pulled me into
his arms. I tucked myself into his body, fit myself along his torso in the spot
that’s always felt as though it was made for me. Me and this new little being
that was silent and invisible in my womb, that had been announced by nothing
besides the word <b>YES</b>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then my eyes fluttered open, and in the darkness I could
make out Mr. Right’s form laying, relaxed, beside me. My body, which only mere
moments before had been filled with my future, was empty. Oh god. No. It was a
dream, nothing but an awful, wonderful, horribly breathtaking dream. All of it.
How am I supposed to handle this?? I was pregnant, and in the blink of an eye
it was all gone. I closed my eyes to escape reality and instead I fell back
into the fantastic nightmare; I saw the wonders of pregnancy, Mr. Right held me
as I gave birth, we raised a beautiful baby boy and welcomed another, a girl,
two years later. I lived through my very existence that night. That dream.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then I woke up. And, again, it was all gone. There are
no words. It felt like a loss, even if it’s something I didn’t actually have. One
simple word and I saw my life as it might very well be.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>YES.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-82656981604140707532012-11-22T12:36:00.000-08:002012-11-22T12:36:05.603-08:00Perfect Moments<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
<o:TargetScreenSize>1024x768</o:TargetScreenSize>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not a religious person; I wasn’t raised with the
expectation of church every Sunday, and I’ve never read the entire bible. When
considering my own beliefs, I’d qualify myself as agnostic. I like the idea of
a benevolent deity and hope that there’s existence beyond this life in whatever
form that may be, but I tend to land on the side of science as the ultimate
creator. I am as nature intended, not as God created, and nature is beautiful
in its infinite ability to create uniqueness and acceptance. Nature does not
care for sexual orientation and it celebrates differences in colours and
plumage. I suppose nature is my god.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there have been a few times in my life when I’ve wanted
something so badly that I’ve pleaded and begged the God who is named in Bibles
and on TV and in the Churches:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>‘Please God, make him stop hurting me’</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>‘Please, God, let it not be cancerous’</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>‘Please God, I don’t want her to die’</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday a co-worker who is on maternity leave came into
the office with her 6-week old baby boy, and he was presented around the building
with the typical pride of a new Mother. He’s beautiful. I stroked his soft,
black hair and tickled his chubby-baby legs… and I didn’t hold him. Because
it’s hard, so very hard, to have a baby in my arms and not want to fall to the
floor in a puddle of tears while inaudibly babbling: “whynotmewhywhywhy’s”. I
hold myself back from the children of strangers and acquaintances, and I do my
best to shove 15 years worth of BABYBABYBABYNOW! feelings back into the
recesses of my mind where they wait for the opportunity to escape. Which they
do. Every day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>“I hate this. I almost wonder if it was easier before…
before my future children became a real possibility that I Just Have to Wait
For. Half a year. A year maybe. Please God, just… please. This thing I have
wanted all of my life, my biggest dream, my largest desire, please, just
please. Please.”</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I keep a personal journal, which I write in every day,
regardless of where I am. It’s my coping mechanism; my way to express feelings while
I’m at work or feeling stressed out or sad or happy or… whatever. After my
co-worker left with her beautiful son, I opened up my journal, and what you see
above is what I wrote. Just those 7 disjointed sentences. If I was given to excessive
drama, what I felt yesterday may very well have had me on my knees entreating
God to just give me this one thing. Today, tomorrow, a week from now. Soon. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was hard to put those feelings away – possibly the most
difficult it’s ever been – and I carried the sadness around with me all
afternoon like Atlas with the world on his shoulders. Sometimes it gets easier
when I just force a smile on my face and pretend that I’m OK, and by the end of
the workday I was putting on a pretty good show. The pretense lasted until I
got home, and that’s when the mask came off and I just felt it all again. Mr.
Right greeted me at the door and the hug and kiss that he bestowed upon me went
a long way towards soothing my hurts, which he’ll never know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Close your eyes,’ he told me, as he put his hand up against
my glasses. I protested, jumping to the immediate conclusion that I was being
punk’d. Or that he wanted to spare me for as long as possible from something
having been broken in the kitchen (please not my beloved Keurig machine!). Or
maybe L~ was once again seated at the kitchen table for another unscheduled visit.
I eventually gave in – it was either that or have his bear-sized palms pressing
my glasses against my face.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eyes closed, I let him take my hand and lead me forward,
through the kitchen and into the dining room. Trust is something that I’ve
always struggled with, but even in the midst of my trepidation I followed him
blindly.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘OK, open ‘em’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3okNFtRrhp8/UK6LM4FbowI/AAAAAAAAAC4/N8HKgLw3p00/s1600/Flowers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3okNFtRrhp8/UK6LM4FbowI/AAAAAAAAAC4/N8HKgLw3p00/s320/Flowers.jpg" title="Roses" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A dozen gorgeous red roses. Baby’s Breath galore. Even a
pinkish ribbon, adding a feminine touch to something already so girly. I gasped,
possibly for the third time in my life. I am not a gasper. These roses are
gasp-worthy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘They’re so beautiful!’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘You’re beautiful,’ he breathed between kisses. That moment…
it’s a picture in my photographer’s brain now, a snapshot of pure,
unadulterated happiness. Tears welled up in my eyes – I blinked them back. I
think if I’d let them fall, they would have tasted of joy. The smile that I’d
had to force earlier came as naturally as breathing and remained on my face for
the rest of the night. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank god for that man.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-62191495974060539442012-11-05T15:33:00.001-08:002012-11-05T15:33:50.445-08:00Screw You, Life<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lately I’ve noticed that this blog has become all about my
own little rants and raves; I log in, post a blog about my own misgivings or
something awful that happened or to whine about losing my space. No humour, no suzy-sunshine-on-the-bright-side
bits of boohoo. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wouldn’t it be nice if that changed? I agree. Not gonna
happen today though!!!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today, I am cranky. I am overwhelmed. I just want everybody and
everything to fuck off and leave me alone. And while I’m at it, I’d like to win
the lottery and become independently wealthy. That’s not too much to ask, is
it?? But no…instead, I have this whole list of issues bounding around inside my
skull like a toddler on a candy high in a bouncy castle:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<ol>
<li><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>Money. Big, ugly, awful worry right now. If
anyone ever tells you that you have exceptional credit and YAY you qualify for
a <i>“borrowed down-payment on a house type of mortgage!”</i> tell them to go fuck
themselves. Cash in your freaking RRSP’s if you have to and use your damned
savings and just say NO. Because when your closing costs turn out to be 3 times
the expected amount and you end up 3 months behind as a result (and I’m an
Accountant so I can budget the fuck out of my money!) it’s really, really hard
to come out the other side. Yes, I’m thankful that I was able to buy a house on
a single income without having to use my savings and/or retirement money. But
jeezus the amount of debt I have now got hanging over my head is significant, not
to mention the WTF money I had to pay out of my daily account for my ridiculously
unexpected closing costs. I’ve been super tempted to dig into my savings but my
Accountant side knows that if I just hold to my tight budget I will be out of
this shortly after Christmas. Meanwhile I really miss my disposable income and
Chapman’s Frozen Yogurt.</li>
<li><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>Babies. I think about them every day, every
night before I fall asleep, every time I’m in sight of a child. It’s consuming.</li>
<li><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>My job. I hate coming to work now. I hate the
fact that I hate coming to work! So, I’m on the hunt for a new job and having a
hell of a time finding one.</li>
<li>Girly parts. I have issues with them right now,
constant issues that are enough to drive a woman mental and make normal
every-day activities difficult. I don’t want to talk about it, it’s personal.
Yes I’ve been to my Dr. Yes we know what it is, it just Won’t Go Away. !!!!</li>
<li>The roller-coaster of my life for the past 4
months has pretty much sent me into this spiral of constantly being in fight or
flight mode. A month or so ago, I decided that I had to just let some things
go, because frankly it’s too much to deal with all at once. <i>(See 1 – 4 above,
and 6 – 11 below)</i> To date it’s been qualifying for the mortgage, dealing with
my pisshat bank, switching banks, finding a mortgage broker, deciding to try
for a borrowed down-payment (moron), then the house search, then the moving,
then the issues with my hot water tank, then the furnace (see below), then all
of the fucking electrical issues and DIY jobs I discovered the previous owners
did, and; </li>
<li>Water on my floor in the furnace room yesterday.
A nice big puddle, increasing in size every time water drip-dropped off of the
vents and pipes that lead up to the roof. My brain almost fried until I
discovered where the water was coming from <b>{it’s the hot water tank again OMG!
Oh wait no, it’s dripping from the furnace’s air intake vent and the pipes to
the hot water tank. Even worse, there’s a hole in my roof?!?}</b>. I called the
property manager today and was told that this is a design flaw of the
townhouses that the condo board is looking to fix within the next year or so.
We get big snow, next day the weather turns and the snow melts and it causes
major condensation on the vents/pipes. He’s checking the roof for me just to be
safe, but basically I have to live with the dripping water on these mother-nature-is-to-blame
occasions. At least my cat has an indoor pool.</li>
<li>The adjustment of basically having someone live
with me. In My house. The constant having to pick up after him because if I don’t,
there will be laundry on the bedroom floor and 3 empty pop cans on the kitchen
counter and TV remotes in the couch cushions. Having to re-wash the dishes
because he’s rubbish at it. Having a 5 year old boy around every weekend who is
obsessed with TV and wants to eat fast food every day. Yeah, it’s not that bad
but man, is it a big change!</li>
<li><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>And then there’s Mr. Right himself, and
ex-nonwife. The recent telephone conversations that have nothing to do with L~
but are instead her asking his opinion on trucks she should buy. In the middle
of dinner. How I can’t send L~’s birthday balloons home with him because Mr.
Right says she doesn’t want anything to come home with L~…but then I wonder if
he just doesn’t want her to know that my Mom bought L~ birthday balloons. How
Mr. Right is going to L~’s soccer game again tonight and I am not included (I’m
going for dinner with BFF, I think I forgot for a while there that I’m not the
girl to sit at home waiting while I feel sorry for myself!).</li>
<li>Last night I also discovered that the sealant in
my bathtub needs to be replaced; it’s cracked and water has been going behind
the tub tiling. Fortunately it’s only a little tiny bit so the chances of water
damage are extremely minimal…but really, it was like the icing on my cake of
Arg yesterday.</li>
<li><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>My car, which I bought brand spanking new, was
painted. I discovered this about a month and a half ago when the paint came off
of the front bumper. I take it to the dealership and am told that the area that
was painted is actually not supposed to have finish on it at all – so that must
mean that I took it somewhere and painted it!!! Um, I don’t think so. I took my
anger right up to the service manager, who told me that they have no record of
the car being painted in their shop. So I must’ve done it, right?? Fuck you. I
bought a new car, if I took it somewhere to be painted why the hell wouldn’t I
take it back there?? Why did you give me a fucking car that’s been painted?? I’ve
called the service manager three times since, and I’ve gotten the run-around
every time. And you know what? With everything else that’s going on, I can’t
seem to find my give-a-fuck. There’s a little fleck of paint about the size of
a dollar bill missing on the front (plastic) portion of my bumper. The car runs
great. I’ll fight them, I just can’t do it right now. I can only handle several
things at a time here, and that cosmetic bit of paint just doesn’t seem to be a
priority. Yet.</li>
<li>Smoking. AKA, trying to quit. It’s not working
so well. I’m irritated at myself and yet, at the same time, it’s one of the few
stress relievers I have right now.</li>
</ol>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And that’s that. Another whiney blog, that will likely only
ever be read by myself and one other person.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yeah. I’m OK with that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4463692128267108414.post-67259707706214549742012-10-30T14:05:00.001-07:002012-10-30T14:05:13.663-07:00Shame On You<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was standing in front of the closet, folding clothing and
hanging slacks and generally glorying in my neat-freak tendencies, when I heard
her voice BOOM through the phone at Mr. Right’s ear:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b>“L~, WOULD YOU FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”</b></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I froze. I turned. My tongue curled with readiness in
anticipation of the yelling that I was about to start doing. <i>‘He’s four years
old you unbelievable BITCH’</i> was running through my head, along with the stock <i>‘How
dare you’</i> and <i>‘You call yourself a MOTHER?!?’</i> lines. And then my eyes fell on
Mr. Right, who was laying on the bed with his hands over his eyes and a strange
look on his face that somehow managed to convey resignation and physical
distress all at once…and my burgeoning <b>‘That constitutes abuse – ‘</b> was
swallowed in a gulp rather than voiced to the room. <i>“It’s not your place”</i>
whispered the angelic little devil perched on my shoulder, <i>“who do you think
YOU are? It’s Mr. Right’s son, let him deal with it. Can’t you see how upset he
is, if you get involved you’re just going to make things worse for him!”</i> And I
turned back to my laundry while Mr. Right continued talking as though The
Incident had never happened.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For two days it ate at me; I didn’t do anything. Mr. Right
didn’t do anything. I stood aside in the face of verbal, emotional abuse to a
barely-five year old and I Didn’t Do Anything About It. After my own
experiences with abuse growing up, I should’ve thrown caution to the wind and
DONE something, but instead I let somebody else’s feelings or opinion or
whatever matter. And not the feelings of the only person involved who did
matter – L~. There are no words to express the shame that I felt, that I still
feel, and the disgust that lingers like a bad taste on my tongue. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So last night I confronted Mr. Right about it, while he was
driving to another city a few hours away for the Big Interview that he hopes is
going to be his ticket out of the military and into a salary that sets him up
for life. (And allows him to have the financial backing for a really good lawyer.)
Yes, we talked about it on the phone, not because I’m a coward but because the
shame and wrongness of the situation had eaten me up so badly that I couldn’t
hold it in anymore. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We have to talk about something that’s been eating at me
for the past few days. The other night when you were on the phone with
ex-nonwife I heard – “</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He interrupted, ‘I know’.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Babe, that’s emotional abuse. What do you think that’s
doing to L~’s sense of self-worth and ability to communicate effectively? He’s
at the age now where he’s absorbing everything he does; or he should be, anyway.
She Cannot Do That. Doesn’t she realize that his issues in Kindergarten are
probably, at least in part, a direct result of this??”*</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I know,’ he said again. ‘A part of the reason we broke up
was because of that type of behavior, and I have tried to make her stop but
nothing works!’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It is unacceptable and I will not stand by and bite my
tongue if she does that again. Either you tell her, or I will.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And on it went, for about an hour. He told me about his
sense of helplessness, how he feels much like David in the face of ex-nonwife’s
parents and their goliath financial resources. How he concedes to her right now
because if it ever became a fight, she would run to Mommy and Daddy and they
would buy her the biggest, fastest-talking lawyer that money could find. And he
would have nothing, and possibly even less time with his son if ex-nonwife was
feeling resentful. As it stands, he told me, he feels like a deadbeat father
only seeing L~ every weekend. And what happens if the military sends him away
again for a month before he is released at the end of January? He wants sole
custody, but he is nowhere near prepared yet for the fight that will likely result.
He promised me that he will not continue to allow her to speak like that to L~,
and that he is going to make arrangements to change their custody schedule in
order to minimize the potential of The Incident happening again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But if it was my child…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Le sigh.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>*Mr. Right got an email from L~’s Kindergarten teacher in
which she detailed the difficulties that L~ is having in school as well as the behavioral
problems that she’s been dealing with. I may blog more about this in future but
for now, I just don’t feel like thinking about it.</i></div>
Her Highness, The Spanxsterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16875465628797096003noreply@blogger.com0