Another Baby Blog From the Edge of Indecision

413 days.

Maybe. I am finding that I'm questioning my motives for waiting...as are others.  Besides the part time grooming course, which will take less than a year and is self-paced, I have no real reason for having a goal date that is over a year from now. It's a number that I picked almost 4 years ago, when I decided that I needed an age that wasn't too old to hinder conception, and distant enough in the future that I'd have time, at 27, to meet the Man of My Dreams. Hindsight being what it is, I know now that it boils down to one very simple criteria: being ready. And I am finally ready, right now. The only thing holding me back is that randomly chosen age...and my anal need to be as prepared as possible. Except, as many of my friends and my Mom has pointed out, I'm ready in ways that most hopeful parents don't even conceive of.

So the question becomes this: am I subconsciously procrastinating? Ahhh yes, I am able to procrastinate in such subtle ways that I don't even realize it until 10 years has passed and I find myself alone and childless, a professional woman instead of a Mother. Am I using the need for 'preparation' as a smoke-screen, a way to excuse myself from actually giving up on the dream of having a child, this child, with a man that I love? That's a very hard dream to walk away from. And being a single Mother...that's a scary concept no matter how it comes about.  Am I avoiding jumping into this with both feet because I'm still hoping that Mr. Right will show up (or in this case, Mr. There and Available!) and save me from being inseminated without sex, consigned to single mother-dom, and possibly single for the rest of my life?

My answer to that question is yes. But that's right now - tomorrow I may find some logical rationalization that perfectly supports my desire to wait until July 15, 2012 to get knocked up by a turkey baster. So I'm trying to find a compromise - I've decided to tentatively change my TTC date to January 31, 2012. That gives me enough time to finish my grooming course (can't use that as an excuse!), and plenty of time to be as anal as possible about being prepared.

So, the countdown to Mommy-hood continues: 247 days to go!

I'm being surprised by who is supporting me in all of this...and who isn't. I expected my Mom to be against my choice and was ready to argue my position; instead, she is my number 1 fan!! She is already planning which nursery crib/change table set to buy for the baby and has promised to take two weeks off after the baby is born in order to help me. On top of all that, she spoke to my Grandparents about it. My Grandparents are extremely set in their ways and have been married for over 60 years, and their viewpoints often land on the traditional side. I was terrified of telling them, and was going to keep quiet about it until I was preggers and somehow soft-pedal it...turns out I don't have to! My Grandma is ecstatic! My Grandpa is supportive though not interested in the girly stuff lol. My friends continue to amaze me with their generosity - my oldest friend, B, cried when I told her that I'd finally made a firm decision to go with artificial insemination. She can't wait to be Aunt B and is already putting things aside for me that she had when her kids were babies.

I've talked to my older sister about it and was surprised and disappointed by her reaction. She was disparaging and critical, and made a point of emphasizing how much better it is to have a child with a partner as opposed to being a single mother. She said that she is happy for me, but kept repeating that I need to find a man, I need to not give up on marriage/love/blah blah blah. And I told her that I'm not - I'll continue to meet people, but unless I should fall in love in the next six months or so (which is highly unlikely given the fact that my uterus likes to think that every guy is The One) this plan is going forward no matter what. She was unable to understand; apparently it's OK for her to use medical intervention in order to have children, because she knows where her sperm is coming from! But it's not OK for me. Needless to say, I've resolved not to discuss it with her any further.

My Mom and I visited Babies R Us this weekend, where I checked out the car seat I've decided on (the First Year's True Fit) and we basically spent 3 hours in the store looking at everything from jogging strollers (want!) to bassinets (want!) to baby baths (need!). We checked out nursery furniture sets at Walmart and I purchased a package of cloth diaper liners (kooshies, I think - super good price) and a super cute set of 3 bibs. And on that note, I leave you with pictures of the super cute - and so very ME! - bibs:

Why Aren't I In Bed By Now??

It's 11:24 pm, I'm exhausted from a long and busy day, and here I am, unable to sleep.

Because of this:

1 Year, 1 Month, 3 Weeks and 1 Day to go!

I am finding it strangely hard now to play this waiting game. I'm not sure why it's so much more difficult now - maybe because I'm actually planning. I've got concrete, measurable goals, I've purchased a few baby things (I couldn't help myself, it just made it all so much more real), I even have an App on my iPhone that counts down the days for me. I can feel my resolve waffling...I might like to start trying to conceive in January. Have a fall baby...that would be nice!!

I've started taking a prenatal vitamin (though not Materna - I cringe at the unnecessary expense of that stuff when a less expensive brand is just as good, according to my GP! Not to mention all the chemical fillers in Materna! I am taking Jamieson prenatal vitamins). Might as well start getting the body ready for baby now! I'm also going to start running again - I plan to start with some interval running on Friday (I'm booked with appointments/work for the next few nights!) and my Mom has indicated that she'd love to try running with me. I used to be hard core but this past winter found me dreading the cold, slick runs and I fell off the wagon. 

Speaking of wagons, my laptop is crying to be plugged in, I think that means it's time for bed.

Goodnight!

Boy, It's a Good Thing I Don't Have Any Readers

4 months. Yep, it's been almost that long since I've even whispered to my inner Spanxster, let alone log into blogger and bother spewing my consciousness all over the www.

I've started a new job, lost 5 pounds, had a gastrostomy done, lost my only male cousin to suicide, jumped up and down in excitement when my sister found out that she was having a miracle baby - - only to cry with her a week later when she miscarried...re-read Pride and Prejudice for the eleventy millionth time, bought an iPhone 4 (yes, it has changed my life though I still maintain a solid hatred for Apple products!), learned that my soul-dog has chronic bursitis in her shoulder, got a nasty flu virus...

And this morning I had a dream that I was finally. Finally. Having a Baby.
My eyes opened, I rolled on to my side in bed and I cried. Huge, gasping tears that seemed to come deep down from my empty uterus. Without my even knowing it, my arms wrapped around my abdomen and hugged tightly around the barren space that had, moments ago, been filled with life. It was one of those 3-D, virtual dreams - the type that cannot possibly be lost in a moment of wakefulness because it's sensory and vibrant.

This morning I was pregnant. But now...now I am empty again, filled only by the most intense desire for something that has haunted me for 20 years. I've played an avoidance game for the last several years: up until recently, I've distanced myself from any hint of babies and children, anything that might increase the yearnings that are already so strong. I would avoid the baby section in Walmart, I'd hold myself back from speaking to a cute toddler, flip quickly past the photos of babies and make excuses not to see my friends who had children. When my sister had my twin nieces she called me on it - she wanted me to be their guardian but was worried about the emotional distance that I seemed to put between myself and those precious babies. And just like that it all spilled out of me - the envy that I felt, how difficult it was to face something that I wanted so badly but oh, god, I despaired that I might never have it! The ice cracked that day and I started opening up to other people's children again...but I still held myself back from actually planning having my own child.

The irony is that several years ago I decided that if I was still single and there was no chance of a relationship with a man by the time I was 32 (the number has often changed from 32 to 33 and back) then I would take the necessary steps to have a child by myself. I investigated single motherhood and IUI and ICI and various forms of man-less conception and talked to numerous people who were facing or had faced the same choice. I talked to my Doctor. I focused on my finances (which, granted, is smart) and the ethical and moral dilemmas involved in becoming what is commonly referred to as a Choice Mom. I did everything I could to inform myself of my choices while continuing to avoid any and all emotional implications. Because becoming emotionally invested in this process, in the creation of this possible child, means acknowledging that I might never fall in love again. It means that in exactly one year, one month and 24 days I will give up the dream of having this child with a man that I love.

It's terrifying. Not only in giving up on love, but just being the only parent. I go into this with eyes wide open; I was raised by a single mother who didn't receive any child support and made less than half of my salary. And it's still terrifying. I have a wonderful support system, a good job, great health benefits, a good head on my shoulders, I know how to budget like a pro and find the best deals. But Maternity leave is only 55% of my salary for a year...and I want that entire year with my child. And then there's childcare costs to think about, sports and clubs and clothing and toys and fun.

So I've created a massive spreadsheet that outlines the financial costs for year 1 after the baby is born - including a monthly budget - and how I plan  to supplement the meager maternity income. It's personal and real and helps to calm some of the anxiety of being a single parent. A few of the key items that I've calculated into my budget are:

~ Cloth Diapers

I've always preferred cloth to disposable diapers, even back when they were flat sheets folded and pinned with Diaper Pins that leaked horribly with heavy wetters and couldn't contain massive poo explosions. I don't like the chemicals in disposable diapers - did you know that most disposables are bleached with chlorine, and one of the by-products of that process is a carcinogenic chemical called Dioxin?? Wait, it gets better. There is no safe exposure level for Dioxin. That means that any exposure, no matter how minimal, is harmful. Then there's that crystal gel stuff that is in so many brands nowadays...Sodium Polyacrylate. That stuff was banned from tampons after some pretty solid suspicions that it causes toxic shock syndrome. Nope, I don't want any of that pressing up against my baby's tender privates!

Cloth diapers have less impact on the environment and are healthier and cheaper. And now, they are incredible. There are Pre-Folds, Wool Diaper Covers, Pocket Diapers, All In One systems (not my preference)...I've decided to start with a combination of Pre-Folds (PF's) and Fitted cloth diapers with Bummi Super Brites diaper covers (PUL's), as well as about half a dozen FuzziBunz One Size Pocket diapers. The former should last me approximately 6 months (depending on the baby's size) while the One Size Pocket diapers are incredibly adjustable and will grow with the baby until potty training!

The cost of purchasing the PF's, Fitted's and PUL's for 0 - 6 months is about $348 (including accessories). The FuzziBunz are $25 each at 6 = $150, and last one child about 3 years. That's a cost of about $25 every 6 months. Let's compare that against a lower-priced brand of organic disposables, which cost about $15/box at 30 diapers. That's $0.50 a diaper!! Over the course of 6 months, assuming 8 bum changes a day (less or more for newborns and toddlers), that's about $675.00!! Not to mention the gas cost of going to the store to buy disposables, the inconvenience of having to take baby out - remember, single mom!, the amount of space those boxes take up and the number of times that one has to take the trash out! (I don't do Diaper Genies. The thought of poopy diapers sitting in my house breeding bacteria for days makes me shudder!) And then, of course, there's the disposable wipes, chock full of more chemicals with a side of preservatives and fragrances etcetera etcetera, and ridiculously expensive. I'll be making my own wipe solution and using washable, cheap cloths from Walmart.

6 months of Disposable organic diapers: $675.00 + wipes (@ 0.06 / wipe = $230) + gas + inconvenience = $905.00
6 months of Cloth Diapers: $348.00 + $25.00 + laundering costs (every 2nd day about $15/month) + homemade bum wipes (25 pkg cotton cloths @ $19) + accessories (liners/Snappi's, about $20) = $427.00

That's a total savings of $478.00 over 6 months!! And the beauty of cloth diapers is that they can be used again for future kids (I'd like 2) or sold - their resale value is unbelievable!

~ Breast Feeding and Homemade Baby Food

I plan to breast feed. I probably don't need to tell you why. I've also always expected to make my own baby food, utilizing a food processor and a blender. So much healthier. So much cheaper! In an effort to keep this ridiculously long diatribe from becoming an essay, I won't detail the cost savings. Suffice it to say, I've got another spreadsheet. I'll save about 40 cents per ounce by taking an hour a week to make my own baby food. Doesn't seem like much? A 6 month old eats about 8 ounces of commercial baby food a day (yes, YMMV). I'll use Baby Gourmet, which is about 4 oz per package, and sold at Walmart for $1.47/pkg. It would cost about $2.94 (+tax) a day to feed Baby Gourmet (Stage 1) to a 6 month old baby. Not bad, right? That's $100 a month. I don't know about you, but I spend about a hundred dollars a month on groceries for myself, and I'm significantly larger than a 6 month old baby!! By making homemade baby food I can save almost half that, if not more, especially when fruits and vegetables are in season! And I can control the ingredients and ensure that there are no additives or preservatives and that my baby is eating the freshest, most nutritional food possible. And think of the variety!

I've already been told not to buy a crib/high chair/stroller/etc. I'm very lucky - my family and friends support me fully in this decision and can't wait to start spoiling the future baby. My Mom keeps asking me why I'm waiting another year to start trying; she constantly urges me to get it done tomorrow or next week. And a part of me knows that I could...but the responsible, parent-to-be side of me wants to ensure that I am as prepared as one can possibly be when bringing a new life into the world.

So I'll wait, and I'll work towards being the best Mom I can possibly be. And I'll wake up in the morning, sure that I was pregnant, and worry that I might have problems getting pregnant (I have endometriosis, le sigh), and continue to look for true love until July 15, 2012. Mommyhood, here I come!