April 8, 2013

Well... Shit

Ever feel like you’ve stepped in dog poop before shoving your foot in your mouth?

Mm-hmmm. True story. See, apparently I jumped the gun in posting yesterday’s post about the epic baby-making plan that was planned Two Months ago (!).

Because Mr. Right is apparently having second thoughts. Fuck My Life. Seriously.

Last night Mr. Right came to bed to find his girlfriend naked and reading The Mother of All Pregnancy Books. He said nothing at first, until I had to share a very interesting fact from the book about how breastfed babies have significantly fewer doctor/hospital visits than formula-fed babies do.

So Far I'm Liking It!
‘Why are you reading that?’

‘I like to be as educated as possible about big life decisions like this!’ Honestly, Mr. Right knows that I’m insane about planning and that I investigate every option and possible issue when I’m getting ready to do something. We’ve had parenting discussions. We’ve talked about my future career options and how we’d like two children. I’ve poured my heart out to him about my age fears (I’ll be 33 in July) and the fact that I’m already high risk (I have Type 1 Diabetes, which is an auto-immune disorder and unfortunately can make for truly horrific pregnancies). We decided Two Months Ago that we would start trying once he’d officially moved in!!!!

Silence. For about 30 seconds he didn’t say a word, and then:

‘I don’t think we’re ready for that yet.’

He couldn’t have hurt me more if he’d pushed his big man-hands into my chest and ripped my heart out. He changed his mind, Just Like That, and there goes my life.

We talked about it, for 4 long hours. He admitted to me that for the past month he’s felt like I’ve changed quite a bit; I’m less affectionate, easily irritated, and distant.

‘Okay, that’s fair... but I quit smoking a month ago!’ I pointed out.

Yes, in anticipation of baby-making I finally quit smoking; it’s been a month today. I used the patch for about 2.5 weeks and then went cold turkey, so I’m understandably irritable and stressed out and tired and and and. And definitely not patient enough to basically have him tell me that he didn’t have the sympathy and understanding for what I’m going through because I QUIT FREAKING SMOKING. I almost lost it... but Mr. Right and I have been working hard at communicating with each other in healthy and effective ways... so I didn’t snap. I simply told him that the past month has been very difficult for me, but it is getting better every day and it helps me a lot to have his understanding of what I’m going through in order to be healthier.

It was clear that he didn’t really understand when he just kept reiterating how he’s not felt loved for the past month, and I told him that if he feels this way than this is something that needs to be fixed before he moves in with me. It was a frustrating part of the conversation; he said that he knows we’ll work it out, so why wouldn’t we move together? I countered that, by his logic, we then shouldn’t have any problem getting on with the baby-making in June like we’d originally planned. After all, we have two months to fix these problems before we move in together; we have Nine plus months after that to deal with any other relationship problems we may have. So we made a plan to work on making this aspect of our relationship better; we have stopped having date night in the past few months and since I moved from the sleepy little town I grew up in to the big, bustling city, we’ve both missed the little things that we used to do back in the old town. Like getting a coffee at Timmy’s and driving two minutes to the river where we’d sit and talk and hold hands for hours at a time. Or walking out the front door of my old house, across the street to the large high school field where he’d toss balls for Mollie and both of us would laugh at her ridiculous antics. The simple little things that brought us so much closer to each other.

He wants to wait until September. I told him that I’m not okay with that – I’ll be 33 in July, and the longer we wait the more this becomes like a game of baby Russian Roulette. More importantly, the older I get, the higher the chances are that I will have a pregnancy that is not healthy for either myself or any potential children. He ignored that and then went on to detail Every Other Reason he could possibly think of as to why we aren’t ready to have kids (we need to live together and commit to each other first; we should pay bills together for a while; get our savings accounts built back up and some more debt paid off before trying; be more affectionate with each other first; he’d like us to be common-law first; blah blah blah). I listened, and countered with every logical argument that I could: We’ve lived together for SEVEN months. He and L~ stay at my house exclusively, and I committed to him 100% when we were past the honeymoon phase and came out of it still in love with each other. We already decided that we’re not sharing finances in terms of bank accounts or vehicle titles or who owns my house (that will always be me – we both agreed a long time ago that what we come into the relationship with is our own), so his paying half the bills every month can only have positive outcomes for both of us (unless he’s planning on defaulting, which he assured me he’s not). Pregnancy does not mean that our savings accounts and debt will suddenly not ever be paid again!

What I heard under the smoke screen of all that scares me a little. I know that men typically don’t view children the same as women do; to women, future children are almost tangible, while men don’t view them as anything remotely real until they’re actually sitting in the delivery room holding the little bundle of joy. But I wasn’t hearing that when Mr. Right and I talked last night... what it sounded like he was saying to me is that he’s getting cold feet and possibly changing his mind about having more children. I know that his life will still be complete even if he never has another child – he’s got his boy. Mine, however, will not, and now I find myself in the dubious position of worrying about his desire to Ever have children with me. Let’s say I say, OK honey, we’ll put this aside for now and not discuss it again until September. Then September rolls around and I find myself facing more excuses, more reasons that we aren’t ready to have children. Meanwhile I’m Five Months closer to 35 and Five Months further away to something that I need as much as air.

Right now I don’t know what to do. Do I let him have this time, do I compromise and tell him that a mid-way point between both our dates that I’m OK with is the beginning of July so let’s just work on us for now, and revisit the topic of babies then? Or am I staring in the face of something that I’m just not seeing... something that I might regret horribly a few months from now when he admits that he just doesn’t want children... after we’ve moved in together. Because as awful as it sounds, as much as I love him, if Mr. Right doesn't truly want to have children with me then he and I are not right for each other. It would be harder than any decision I've ever made in my life, but I will make that call.

Please just tell me honestly: am I overreacting? Am I just succumbing to the side of myself that has to worry obsessively about EVERYthing and truly rushing into something that he just needs a little more time to get ready for??? Or is this a big old red flag that I need to pay attention to??

Gawd. Where is Dear Abby when I need her?

Edited to Add: There's a very small possibility that I might be preggers right now. We didn't use contraception during the tail-end of my period last month - I have a 32 day cycle so the chances of my ovulating then is next to nil. Except I've been exhibiting some very early pregnancy symptoms for the past week that are scaring me a little bit after his revelation last night. And it's too early for a test. I'm a basket-case right now, seriously.

No comments:

Post a Comment