4 Weeks Ago
I'd been bothering a mole on my head for about two weeks. It was getting bigger and just didn't feel right to my probing fingers, so I made an appointment to have my Doctor take a look at it. OK, it was freaking ugly, too. My vanity was bothered when the 6 year old that I am a Nanny to made one of those squirrely little faces that only young girls can make, and asked me, "What is that weird thing on your head?"
It was big. It always had been big and sat squarely on my natural part about two inches from the hairline at my forehead. Oh, if that's not gross enough, I also have one on my left eye. Right on the lash line. You have to be right smack dab in my personal bubble to see it...which makes me thankful that I've not ever had a squirelly face from some Hawttie.
Anyway, my vanity was offended by a 6 year old and suddenly that mole was surely the size of a very large witch's wart and Needed. To. Go. So after work, on a Wednesday night, a few days before Christmas, I carried it with me into my Doctor's office where she felt it up, declared it surely benign, and offered to remove it.
[dumbass] "Yes please," said I.
"It's gonna bleed like stink," was her response. "I can wait until the weekend if you'd like?"
But the weekend was Christmas, and I was leaving for my sister's house for the holidays.
[DUMBASS] "I'll be OK, just get it over with!" I was sure that it wouldn't be that bad - after all, I knew all about the copious bleeding of head wounds thanks to my medical classes in college. I was prepared. A little blood never hurt anyone! [ahem...Dumbass!!]
She froze my head up, brandished a scalpel just outside my line of sight and started sawing. No, I'm not kidding or exaggerating for dramatic purposes. I heard the sawing. I felt the noise of that scalpel squeaking back and forth through the flesh of my scalp. Uggggggggggggg. I shudder even now thinking of it.
And then I felt the blood, waterfalls of thick liquid running down my head, soaking in my hair and puddling under my head on the pillow. I actually asked her if she had maybe hit something important, you know, like my BRAIN??? Or some magical Spanxster-only artery of awesomeness that might be spewing blood a la ER?? Oh Gawd my awesomeness is spewing!!!
Alas, my Awesomeness Artery remains intact (phew) and the gore of that night was the typical bleeding of a head wound. Which I should mention that I was prepared for. Uh huh. Right. When the surgery was done - after a blood-soaked gauze pad was pressed over the 3 stitches for ten minutes - my Doctor helped me to sit up (very carefully) and tried to soak up the red stuff coating my hair with paper towel. I joked about what people would think...should I scream a little before I leave the room, maybe add some cackling sound effects in for fun? (She rolls her eyes at me a lot. I don't know why.) Next time I'll wear my prom dress, I promised her. And then I walked out, blood-soaked head held high, thanking gawd for once in my life that my hair is naturally red and blood just blends in sooo well. Ahhh vanity, thy name is blood-red hair!
|Yep, it bleeds like stink|
Oh I forgot to mention...it Hurt. Once the freezing wore off it felt like my skull was exposed to the cold winter air. Ouch ouch OuCh! I, fortress of strength, who walked on a broken ankle for two days when I was a teenager, wimped out and called my Moooooommy. I whined and complained and whimpered and my Mom was over at my house within 10 minutes to help me rinse the blood out of my hair and pat my back and tell me what a brave little girl I am. It took 30 minutes!!!And that was just the rinsing!
The incision itself is almost fully healed (it was a benign growth!) and soon I'll be able to put some new hair in. [moment of silence for SQUEEEEEEE!] But you know what? I woke up the next morning and the first thing I thought was:
Wow, I missed out on a really epic self-portrait series of photographs!
It's no wonder my Doctor rolls her eyes.