January 18, 2011

My New Career Path

In light of recent economic developments (AKA: uber job suckage and rising costs of gas and groceries) I've decided to pursue a new career and become independently wealthy.

My new job (drumrolllllllllllll please!!):

*Dunh dun dun DUNNNNNNN*

International Jewel Thief.

I figure that my myriad qualifications make me the perfect jewel thief:

- Wearing Spanx everyday will make the adjustment into having to wear a catsuit quite smooth. [actually it will be lumpy. Veeeeeery lumpy. Probably requiring 3 Spanx under the catsuit just to avoid scaring potential thief-ees to death. Though that may be a tool to add to my arsenal...]

- My Freakishly Tiny Feet. Meaning I can balance atop smaller tops much easier than someone with, say, freakishly average feet. That's what I presume anyway...I'm not inclined to test my theory at this point.

- I chew at least 12 pieces of gum a day. Gum, as we all know, is a very useful little plaque-remover. It also freshens breath so I could potentially have a big bowl of greek salad to fuel my little thieving escapades without alerting my thief-ees with knockemdead mouth breathing. May also be useful in scaling walls.

- I have very stylish glasses.

You may consider this my official resume. My references are as follows:

"The Spanxster is easily the sneakiest person I know. She is so sneaky that when she wears sneakers she can sneak up on an elephant from the left side without spooking the big mammal." ~ Some dude

"I am willing to rub The Spanxster's fingerprints off with sandpaper." ~ Nameless

"She stole my ham sandwich that one Wednesday and I had to ask around the office several times just to find out it was her!" ~ Coworker

"Please make her an International Jewel Thief so she'll stop sleeping on my couch!" ~ Anonymous

"Frankly, she just looks sneaky." ~ Grumpy Old Man

Independent wealth, here I come!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment