May 29, 2011

Another Baby Blog From the Edge of Indecision

413 days.

Maybe. I am finding that I'm questioning my motives for are others.  Besides the part time grooming course, which will take less than a year and is self-paced, I have no real reason for having a goal date that is over a year from now. It's a number that I picked almost 4 years ago, when I decided that I needed an age that wasn't too old to hinder conception, and distant enough in the future that I'd have time, at 27, to meet the Man of My Dreams. Hindsight being what it is, I know now that it boils down to one very simple criteria: being ready. And I am finally ready, right now. The only thing holding me back is that randomly chosen age...and my anal need to be as prepared as possible. Except, as many of my friends and my Mom has pointed out, I'm ready in ways that most hopeful parents don't even conceive of.

So the question becomes this: am I subconsciously procrastinating? Ahhh yes, I am able to procrastinate in such subtle ways that I don't even realize it until 10 years has passed and I find myself alone and childless, a professional woman instead of a Mother. Am I using the need for 'preparation' as a smoke-screen, a way to excuse myself from actually giving up on the dream of having a child, this child, with a man that I love? That's a very hard dream to walk away from. And being a single Mother...that's a scary concept no matter how it comes about.  Am I avoiding jumping into this with both feet because I'm still hoping that Mr. Right will show up (or in this case, Mr. There and Available!) and save me from being inseminated without sex, consigned to single mother-dom, and possibly single for the rest of my life?

My answer to that question is yes. But that's right now - tomorrow I may find some logical rationalization that perfectly supports my desire to wait until July 15, 2012 to get knocked up by a turkey baster. So I'm trying to find a compromise - I've decided to tentatively change my TTC date to January 31, 2012. That gives me enough time to finish my grooming course (can't use that as an excuse!), and plenty of time to be as anal as possible about being prepared.

So, the countdown to Mommy-hood continues: 247 days to go!

I'm being surprised by who is supporting me in all of this...and who isn't. I expected my Mom to be against my choice and was ready to argue my position; instead, she is my number 1 fan!! She is already planning which nursery crib/change table set to buy for the baby and has promised to take two weeks off after the baby is born in order to help me. On top of all that, she spoke to my Grandparents about it. My Grandparents are extremely set in their ways and have been married for over 60 years, and their viewpoints often land on the traditional side. I was terrified of telling them, and was going to keep quiet about it until I was preggers and somehow soft-pedal it...turns out I don't have to! My Grandma is ecstatic! My Grandpa is supportive though not interested in the girly stuff lol. My friends continue to amaze me with their generosity - my oldest friend, B, cried when I told her that I'd finally made a firm decision to go with artificial insemination. She can't wait to be Aunt B and is already putting things aside for me that she had when her kids were babies.

I've talked to my older sister about it and was surprised and disappointed by her reaction. She was disparaging and critical, and made a point of emphasizing how much better it is to have a child with a partner as opposed to being a single mother. She said that she is happy for me, but kept repeating that I need to find a man, I need to not give up on marriage/love/blah blah blah. And I told her that I'm not - I'll continue to meet people, but unless I should fall in love in the next six months or so (which is highly unlikely given the fact that my uterus likes to think that every guy is The One) this plan is going forward no matter what. She was unable to understand; apparently it's OK for her to use medical intervention in order to have children, because she knows where her sperm is coming from! But it's not OK for me. Needless to say, I've resolved not to discuss it with her any further.

My Mom and I visited Babies R Us this weekend, where I checked out the car seat I've decided on (the First Year's True Fit) and we basically spent 3 hours in the store looking at everything from jogging strollers (want!) to bassinets (want!) to baby baths (need!). We checked out nursery furniture sets at Walmart and I purchased a package of cloth diaper liners (kooshies, I think - super good price) and a super cute set of 3 bibs. And on that note, I leave you with pictures of the super cute - and so very ME! - bibs:

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